Monthly Archives: January 2012

Self Help Bullshit Part 2

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Here are some additional recommendations to finding happiness:

1. Get rid of Strongholds. Certain relationships and addictions can be strongholds.  If someone else notices or you feel negative patterns, get rid of it.  What is the worst that could happen?  Maybe it was the reason for the unhappiness, instead of blaming other multiple  instances.

2. Let the Past Go.  Don’t dwell on the bad of the past. And don’t look back and wish the past was the present, cause it isn’t and it won’t be.

3. Let Other people’s Past go.  Along with yours, let other people’s past go.  Don’t try to be the judge, because it will only later turn you into the judged.

4. Encourage.  Don’t beat yourself up about things.  Positive psychology, one of the newest branches in this study helps us value the good and positives in our life over the bad.

5. Laugh and Have fun.  I learned a lot about this over the last couple months.  Laugh as much as you can.  Take a break from the monotonous things in life and laugh.  Watch a funny movie, talk with a funny friend, or watch a funny video on you tube. (There are plenty)

Self-Help Bullshit Part 1

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Some of you may be wondering what this article has to do with relationships, love and sex.  The bottom line is, everything.  It is important that you maintain happiness.  You find that happiness in yourself, friends, work, and activities before you add a relationship into the mix.

 How do you maintain happiness often?  

Most of the time setbacks such as a divorce, a job we are not pleased with, or something unexpected can seem like it will last a lifetime.  The pain doesn’t feel temporal.  It is easy to fall into depression and it seems almost impossible to fall into happiness.

Basic steps to happiness  

1. Your Reactions.  Deal with setbacks. There is a saying “You can not change what a person does, but you can change your reaction to it.”  Operate out of ration not emotion.  You need to react by:

  • acknowledging the setback
  • understanding and dealing with the emotions it brought on
  • let go of those emotions

This is a process that has to be learned, maintained, and managed just as you would conditioning your body for a sport.   

2. Your Balance.  Maintain a healthy balance of things/people who make you feel good.  Take an inventory of the following things in your life:

  • jobs
  • hobbies
  • people
  • relationships

In this inventory it is common for us to make excuses for people/jobs/things that we are trying to “keep” in our life.  I challenge you to ask these questions and if no is the answer, rid your life of it or them.  Take very practical measures to replace it with positive alternatives and maintain relationships with more involved people.   

Ask yourself these questions: 

  • Job.  Is my job full-filling and do I find engagement and growth as a result?
  • Play Time. Are my hobbies and passions adding quality to my life?
  • Relationships. Is this person making me better, there for me, and overall a good friend/partner?

3. Your Outcome.  Once you react appropriately to set-backs, and learn to balance and maintain healthy jobs, relationships, and activities in your life, happiness will be an outcome.  The outcome additionally bring more positive outlooks, followed by more positive relationships.

 

Text Fighting

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Often we misinterpret people’s text by putting out own spin on it;  with tones, moods, or emotions.  Not only is it ridiculous to over-interpret the tone of a text, but it can cause additional confusion or unneeded frustration in a conversation.

Don’t interpret the text

  •  A text does not have a tone. “Tone is the use in the pitch of language used to distinguish words.”
  • A text does not have a mood. “Mood is a state of qualified feeling at a particular period of time.”
  • A text doesn’t have the emotion you are having when you read it.  We all know what emotions are.  It is good not to take your own emotion and project it onto your partner and/or the text.

Obviously there are instances, an example is cussing or unwelcome banter.  Those texts you simple ignore.  You all know what instances I am talking about!  It is better to just take the text as it is and leave it.  Don’t add emotion, tone, or mood and see how more effective text

 The Mistakes:

  • We take simple short answers to be rude.
  • We get excited about responses not happening immediately.
  • We get mad if he doesn’t like to text a lot. (A lot of Men don’t).
  • A long-winded conversation about how you are feeling should not take place via text.

The Texting Rules 

When one text is sent, one is received and vise versa.  Do not keep texting if they are not texting back.  They are just not into it.  This can also happen with a partner.  Most of the time, especially men, just need time if they don’t text immediately.  They are not trying to purposely hurt you.  Although you may interpret it that way, just give them some space. I guarantee if you don’t text back after he/she texts about four times in a row, they will start paying attention.

Can you Love Two People at the Same Time?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

It is biologically and psychologically possible to love two people at the same time. I am talking about romantic love, but it is really love? It seems logical; you love multiple family members in the same relational love, so why couldn’t you love two people in the same romantic manner?

I don’t think you necessarily love those two individuals in the exact same way.  Think about it, you have been with one for over a year and you feel yourself crushing on another person.  This is very natural, biological response. You miss the infatuation stage and you long to get that feeling back.

You can do 3 things:

  1. Have those feelings and let them take over you.  An example is: leaving your current partner for the other person.
  2. Have those feelings but know that the irrational actions that could take place would serve you for only as long as they did in the first relationship. If you get bored after two years, you will always get bored. You will always have some need to infatuate over some other person or some better relationship.  You can manage those feelings without acting on them.
  3. Don’t promise monogamous relationships to other people. This way you can be in love with as many people as you want at one time.

Make your decision wisely from your heart and head.  Take a lot of time to consider all of the options and consequences. Being honest with everyone is the best thing.

Often times, because society teaches us that we marry and settle down, some of the individuals that would be better off running in the open field their whole lives, settle down anyway. Is it dangerous to tame these people? Or can they behave by learning to change their cognition and actions?

Hopeless Romantic

I am a hopeless romantic and I believe in true love. My grandma used to say she was blessed to have been in love with two men in her lifetime. (She remarried after she was a widow).  It is very possible to love multiple people in your life, and as possible to love two at the same time. If you are in a relationship, your infatuation or just “loving” nature should not be the reason for you to drag in another person.  Singles, love away.

Stay single if you know you commonly don’t like to be tied down. You may actually meet your match one day.

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.” Johnny Depp

Sorry Johnny, I disagree. Stay with the one who climbs the wall for you and doesn’t just stand there, the one who you can jump on the bed with, the one who knows what you need, want, and sometimes can’t handle and is there every step of the way. The one who makes you feel like a kid again. Choose the one that gives you butterflies not just for a few months, but for eternity. Choose that one and stay with them forever. 

Don’t Be a Cock Block

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I have heard heavy use and misuse of the word cock block.  Although widely used when she wants to protect her friend by getting her home safe, that doesn’t make her the blocker.  A cock block is something that is done intentionally to prevent another from getting acquainted with a potential partner.  There are real ways in which you can become a cock block and these include some of the following scenarios.

  • Interference in Conversation. You see your friend chatting it up with someone neither of you know.  You stroll over and openly interfere in the conversation or pull your friend away.  Ask your friend about it later, don’t walk up in the middle of an already began conversation.
  1. MEN: When this is a guy that is intruding he uses some half-drunken slur or uncool pick up line that may make his friend and him look bad, any previous conversation becomes obsolete.
  2. LADIES: When this is a woman she usually moves into a conversation she wasn’t invited into.  You know if your girlfriend feels threatened by the conversation she will look at you and let you know.  Don’t just perceive she needs help when she doesn’t.
  •  Roommate Interference.  If you roommate brings a new dating partner over, whether its to watch a movie or just hang out, make like a tree to your room.  They are trying to get to know one another and don’t need any sort of unwanted interference at this stage.
  •  Sly Interference.  This is when you are alone with your friends new partner.  You talk bad about them or happen to mention something that is not the most alluring thing about them.  You should always try to stay positive about the information you give off about someone else.  So what if they have some imperfections.  We all do, and yours might just be interfering with someone else’s new relationship.
  •  The Hottest Friend Interference.  Yes, we all know you are the best looking in the group. That doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t getting sweet on another member of the group.  Try not to use your looks or electric personality to interfere with someone a friend is talking to.  You might be the alpha “dog” in the group, but other members in the group don’t need you to dominate the scenario they’re trying solo.  Play it cool by sitting this one out.

Interfering with a friend getting to know the person they are dating is tacky and not being a very good friend.  Accidental interference should stop a certain age for all of us.  Most blocking comes out of insecurities in ourselves.  Be respectful and play fair.

Friends with Benefits

Posted on by misskjelstrom

There are numerous reasons why your friends rarely end up with starring roles in your relationships. As much as people tell themselves that they can remain unattached, it is the complexity of any kind of relationship that makes this difficult.  Someone will always get hurt.

Why is it that “Friends with Benefits” and “No Strings Attached” both ended in a way that the titles simply don’t imply.  They became the cliché love stories that they claimed not to be.

And need I remind you the real reason that all these individuals wanted to have relationships based on sex was because they didn’t really understand themselves in the content of relationships.  They had some emotional damage from a previous relationship that brought them to believe being an unattached jerk would actually make them feel better.  It doesn’t.

“It is not who you want to spend Friday night with, it is who you want to spend all day Saturday with.”

If you are scared of commitment, wasting time with someone you don’t actually have feelings for is only taking away from the time you could spend with the person you dream about and deserve.

Being scared of relationships will not bring the right people around, and being scared of commitment will only ruin the possibilities of securing a potential life long partner.  Sure, spending some time alone after a break up can be good for you.  But life and love might not look exactly like the Romantic Hollywood movies, they won’t be the some grand idea of your friends’ relationships.  They will only belong to you.

Back to the Dating Game?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Trust me, this isn’t easy for anyone.  The older you get, the harder dating becomes.  When you are young, you are around a bunch of people your same age, then you go off to college and you are surrounded by up to ten times as many people close to your age.  Then you go off to work and the people your age keep getting more scarce.  Statically, fewer people your same age will be available or less singles will even be around.

Keep these 3 key things in mind when getting back into the dating game:

1. Change the attitude.  Begin with a positive attitude.  Avoid bringing a negative attitude back into the game.  A negative attitude is only likely to draw in other partners that exhibit the same attitude.    Make sure you are comfortable enough with yourself to stay positive in a new relationship.

2. Forget the past. The worst thing you can do is compare your new beau to someone in the past.  It might be easier dating someone outside of your circle who doesn’t have insider news on details of your past. You new partner will learn things in time or ask about certain things.  Don’t dish out any information unless it is asked of you.  Even when it is asked of you, give short answers or politely decline.  Nothing in your past is pertinent with a new partner except for how it made you a better person.

3.  Change the Venue.  If you had trouble in the past with relationships, it is time to switch the routine a bit. (For me this means, friday and saturday nights in recouping from the busy week and leaving my picked-up places to some suggested by my mentor.)

Try these places to meet people with similar values/interests:

  • Church.  Yes I said it!  Don’t go find a church as a means to meet people, but if this is part of a new routine or continued old one, this is a great venue to meet people with similar values.
  • Intramural, Co-ed sports teams.  Take your love for athletics and score points with other singles.
  • Work retreats.  I am not saying you should spark an in-office romance.  Retreats are a good way to meet people in other companies with similar interests.
  • School Workshops.  Graduate school and sometimes undergraduate schools have workshops you can attend to meet others with the same interest or major.  This may be a time of focus for you, but sharing your professional passion with a partner could be just what you need.
  • Mixers/Social Gatherings.  Your work or hobby may bring you to social events, which are perfect for mingling and meeting a possible partner.

When you get back into the dating game from a failed relationship or just from taking some time off be sure to examine what you are looking for.  Be honest as to whether this is a good time for you to be back in a relationship or just a time to have fun. Being honest can save a lot of heartache from happening to you or other parties involved.

Questions about Your relationship? Concerns with being Single?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Most people who I mentor are dealing with similar concerns during a relationship.  These concerns can almost always be resolved with the right mentoring or therapy.  Singles sometimes get into bad dating patterns and are negative about getting back out there and testing the waters.  Couples often struggle through differences.  Likewise, married couples have numerous topics to discuss.

Things you’ll attempt to prepare yourself for, may still shock you.  You don’t always have to be on the defense, you don’t always have to be perfect, and you will not always have the answers.

My discussions and articles can be used as a tool to find valuable ways to assist in bettering relationships or growing in your own life.  I want to strengthen my audience and help individuals struggling with relationships grasp important perspectives about how healthy relationships should be.  All relationships come with baggage, but I want to equip you with hope.

Your feedback to articles is very helpful.  I like to know what my audience feels, and hear your stories.  Whether you agree, disagree, have examples, or just want to give feedback: Your comments are so important to this process.

You can post directly on the site or

Send me your relationship/single questions via text or email: 

 Email: misskjelstrom@gmail.com

 Text: 219-477-9325

All clients are completely confidential.

The Biggest Relationship Roadblock

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Relationships and Marriages all come with their share of roadblocks. There are some very simple ways for couples to get over these roadblocks without jeopardizing the entire relationship.  Most arguments hit the biggest relationship roadblock – bad timing. Make sure that you avoid arguments beginning from bad timing.

1. Know your temper. Are you more relaxed after a run? Is talking better after your morning coffee?
Knowing your temper is a great way to avoid fights. If you know you are having a bad day and your significant other suggests a talk, just explain that it would be bad timing because of the long day at work, etc.  Give at least three additional times or dates that would be better for you, so they don’t feel like you are blowing them off.

2. Be patient. Be able to compromise about a good time to talk (a good time is the time that is best for both parties not just one)

3. Be open-minded. The worst thing you can do is go into something with a bad attitude. This will hinder proper communication for both parties. Being stubborn is not attractive.

4. Don’t demand.  Demanding something for your partner can be threatening and rude.  Make sure you ask or request things, in place of demands.

5. Watch your tone. The tone of your voice can say a lot more than the content of the talk.  Know how others interpret your tone.  A good rule of thumb is slow and soft.  Tones are very easily replicated from person to person, so make sure yours is pleasant.

But they absolutely have to talk NOW?

No one has to talk right this second.

If an issue comes up, it is best both parties have time think about it.  A period of a few days can give you and your partner time to think about both sides, and not just be selfish with your own.

If your partner absolutely refuses to change the timing or not be understanding, there is sometimes little you can do. The best thing is to try to stay calm, because their eagerness to talk is already bringing in tension.

If you refuse to change the timing, you are not alone.  Some individuals with personal conflict have an urge to get issues out of the way so they don’t continue to process them in their mind. People with the urge to talk right now should try anti-anxiety things such as: venting to friends, working out, or taking a relaxing bath.

How Many Dates Do I have to Wait for Sex?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The question from a reader was actually phrased,
“How long do I have to wait to expect sex.”  Do I need to tell you that the question came from a male?  Females often phrase it, “How long should I wait before having sex with him?”

Expecting something and waiting for something are two different things.   An act as intimate as sex should’t be seen as the golden ticket you receive after a certain number of dates.  It should be the intimacy you share with someone you care for.  This period of time is different for all couples, but the best way to secure a relationship is to play it cool in dating and in the timing of putting out.

Chances are the guy you want to be with will appreciate the waiting period even if it gives him some frustration.  A good guy will not push it or let you see that frustration.  He will also play it cool in his own way.

Many books and articles stress that a woman wait a certain number of dates before she has sex with a man.  We all have sex drives, but you learn a lot about a person in the first initial months.  The sex can cloud your good judgment and make an easy walk-away more difficult. For people not new to this, holding off can be difficult.  Try these things to make it easier:

  • Don’t be alone with him at his or your place
  • Group date
  • Wear panties you wouldn’t dream he ever see you in. (You’ll stop cold as soon as he goes for your pants)
  • Keep passionate make-outs to the porch
  • Will-Power- Like working out or dieting- Stay strong

Give yourself time to learn about your partner.  Is this someone that you can have a friendship with and not just sex?  Sex can put unwanted stress on a relationship.  Early on in dating, why not enjoy the companionship of another person.  Get to know them for who they are, then decide when it is time to be intimate.  Enjoy all the aspects of a relationship, to make sure it will be a healthy one.