- Intimacy & Verbal Intimacy: This includes the ability to connect and the ability to listen.
- Energy Level: If you are always on the go, you need a partner on the go. The turtle and the rabbit would never run the same race. In a relationship you need someone running your race. Having the same energy level will keep one partner from feeling like they are pressuring you to keep up or like they can’t keep up with you.
- Level of Ambition: This pairs with energy level; if you are always accomplishing new things, you need a partner that does the same. If you are content in a minimal level of goals you need a partner who feels the same. This helps conflict and constant nagging from the high-achiever to the low achiever.
- Role Expectations: Both partners should be happy in the role expectations of one another.
- Hobbies/Interests: Relationships begin on chemistry and attraction but are built on participation, hobbies, and interests.
- Personal Habits: This can be as simple as organization and cleanliness. Being similar in these ways helps establish even roles and long-term commitment
- Shared Perception of Religion: It is important to share the same or similar religious practices and goals.
Just like any other instruction manual, you have to make sure that you go through the entire instruction manual. The first thing is that you remain patient and not get ahead of yourself in the process. It might seem slow, but having a piece of furniture that isn’t put together right, doesn’t keep it around for the long run. Relationships need to be put together with additional care and thought.
- Don’t quit the things that you like to do
- Don’t lead a man into thinking you are needy or insecure
- Don’t talk or say bad things about a past boyfriend
- Don’t talk negatively about other women
- Don’t make too much physical contact in public – save your touches for short and infrequent
- A man will withdrawal when he isn’t interested or when he is falling deeply in love with you. (As if it isn’t confusing enough, your instructions are to hold it together here)
- A man, although seems to be driven by sex, is still out for more than just sex
A strong sense of attraction can make you override your logic and ignore your instincts or ignore all the instructions you just read. Take time with friends and yourself, don’t get smothered in the emotions and attraction.
This article is intended for an audience that likes either a him or her. This is a scenario we call: unrequited love.
- It happens to us all
- It is very common
- It is natural and normal to like someone who might not like you back in the same way
- It is natural for you to have feelings for someone after you break up with them, even if they don’t have feelings anymore
- It will also be natural for it to happen the other way around. So be kind, patient, and try to stay grounded not letting your emotions get the best of you.
Popular culture leads us to believe that in the end we always end up with the one person that we wanted, and they want us back. Statistically pop culture is wrong, 98% of people have experienced unrequited love or will in their lifetime.
Even after some explanation that this is natural and common you might still ask yourself again:
What if I don’t want to stop liking him?
My response is: Then you can finish throwing your tantrum, and you can join the rest of the adults in the other room when you are done.
What you want and what you need are often very different. If you’re argument is that you can’t stop liking them; can’t is just an argumentative sister of want.
How to begin the process of letting go:
- Practice putting your energy into something or someone else
- Remember the relationship for all it was and not just the good parts
- Seek out a therapist or a life coach. It is great to have another perspective into the situation to help you develop ways to let go and move on, so you can find the love you deserve.
After reading a friends post, I wonder if I need to be more encouraging. Everyone could use to be a little more encouraging. When I hear these two statements “men are assholes, women are crazy.” I think one thing: Arrogance. The “It is them, not me,” attitude.
Remember, you see what you want to see in others, which is usually a reflection of what you see in yourself.
In relationships, most of the mistakes that are made out of people who don’t feel like listening or learning. Be open to growth and you will harbor more last friendships, relationships, and a life of learning.
As for me,
If you want instant encouragement, you will have to buy a greeting card. I am here to teach you. I am here to introduce you to your best self. Later, along with that comes encouragement. You first have to discover how to be your best self before you can bring another person into the mix.
As my clients can tell you, I will not be brash and mean. I will instruct you through some of the mistakes you have been making to find the best future relationship(s) that you deserve.
Some people bring out the worst in our personalities and some bring out the best. Everyone has ups and downs. Everyone has bad weeks and good. See the best in others, and they will see the best in you. It is amazing how your outlook can change your life.
Postwar, many females were asking this question, but today your education doesn’t have to sit in the driver seat to a marriage. In fact, it might even be the tool to making a marriage more successful.
There has not been a better time for woman to become more educated. Education went from # 11 on Men’s Traits to look for in a Mate to #5.
Studies show that:
An educated woman = more help with the housework
More help with the housework = better, frequent sex
Highlights of an Education:
- College educated woman are more likely to marry even into their mid 30’s
- Even if you don’t marry, “more educated women live the longest, healthiest lives of all groups”
- The quality man you are looking for isn’t threatened by education but turned on
- A woman is more sexually attracted to a man that shares the duties
Remember don’t be arrogant with an education. A man still likes to teach you things. Just like you are more sexually attracted with housework help, he is sexually attracted by teaching you things/taking care of you. It’s a tough balance, but the battle of the sexes is pretty much over now. We all want great relationships with sexual attraction. And hey, more frequent, better sex, what an added bonus!
When a dog has a gate up, he is bound to try to figure his way out of it. If you never put up a gate, a man will never have any reason to try to get out of it. Don’t give your man too many boundaries or rules for the relationship, because that will make him want to break them.
I had a friend, her boyfriend wanted to get together. He wanted to hang out tonight, but she told him that she would be with a girlfriend and tonight wouldn’t work, tomorrow?
He replied, “Well I am busy tomorrow, so it will have to be tonight.”
She called me confused because she didn’t want to let him down, and his sense of urgency seemed sincere.
Let me tell you this, Urgency is for fireman and doctors.
As far as relationship time and talks go, both parties need to be respectful of a good time for both parties. I told her to calmly say, “It will have to wait until next week then.”
The next day his schedule suddenly freed up and he was able to get together. Funny how that works. You might not be able to teach a man new tricks, but if you remain calm and cool you can teach him how to respect that you have a life too. This works both ways.
Some of us like the chase better than the actual relationship. It is a fun time to get to know a person and engage in new and exciting activities with a new love interest. Although, once you secure the relationship, why does the excitement seem to fade?
Is is understood that a lot of us feel the excitement fade because the chase is over. But maybe you tent to push relationships away because they are just not good matches.
Securing a relationship where someone matches your personality, habits, beliefs and lifestyle will yield better results with your dating partners.
Acknowledge your traits and possible matches before jumping into a relationship:
1. High-Achiever. If you are a college graduate or continuing onto graduate school, a more successful relationship may include someone who has the same aspirations or ambitions. This can be someone who has entrepreneurial adventures rather than continued education. They don’t have to be exact matches, but similar ambition is good.
2. Habits and Responsibility. Organization and house-keeping. It is difficult to have a relationship with someone you feel you are cleaning up after. It is good if the house-hold chores are shared and both parties can take responsibility for the day-to-day stuff.
3. Lifestyle. Do you enjoy spending time at home or do you thrive with an active social life? Being with someone who shares the same lifestyle as you is crucial. Maybe you like adventurous vacations. You should find someone with similar interests and lifestyle patterns so you can enjoy in each others hobbies and happenings.
Women are very different than men. We utilize our emotional sides whether we want to or not. We want to have frequent talks about what is bothering us. And we want to constantly tell you about our feelings. We need affirmation at least four times a week. We have a difficult time (having had guys friends) not wanting to call you when you are at your bachelor party doing “nothing wrong.” We try not to be over-bearing, but it seems like no matter what we do, you find a way to blame us for all the idiosyncrasies that you initially didn’t mind.
In your world, we become annoying and intense rather than loving.
But in our world, we are trying to understand the many and different emotional states that we go through as a result of getting close to someone.
To make up for some of these differences men and women can try the following:
- Try to be sensitive
- Acknowledge that you care
- Be a good friend
- Confide more in girlfriends (it is important to have a connection to other women because only other people in the same herd can fully understand our complicated states)
- Stay busy with hobbies
- Practice self-care to properly handle different emotional states
- Don’t confuse sex for love
In the beginning when two people are getting to know one another, you shouldn’t read into it. Sometimes one person gets hurt simply because they thought they could change the other person’s mind. When talks indicate that both parties just don’t have the same feelings, it can be difficult for the person who has stronger feelings to know when the game is over. 500 Days of Summer did a great job, split-screening our expectations vs. reality.
What it really means:
- I want to keep it casual. Means they want to keep things casual and never intend on a relationship. Repeat: No relationship intention.
- I want to take it slow. Intention on a relationship is 50/50 but they want to take time. Take it slow may or may not have relationship intention. They want to get to know you before deciding if you are the person they want to be in a relationship with.
- I don’t date. Almost the same thing as casual, but more intention on booty-calls. Pretty much a hook-up and no relationship intention.
- I like you, but I don’t want a relationship. Someone who doesn’t really want to be in a relationship but is afraid the “keep it casual statement” might not keep you around. Again: No relationship intention.
- I just want to be friends. You are official in the friend zone. Enjoy the view, because this is your permanent position.
- Project your feelings on the other person. Expect they might have a different view, even if you feel smitten.
- Ask about other person “So how many girls/guys did you hang out with this weekend?”
- Lose your cool. If you don’t have the ability to be casual and they do, walk away.
Some people need consistency and monogamy, some don’t. It is probably safe to stay with your herd. I truly believe that if someone wants to be with you, they will turn you into their boyfriend/girlfriend.
This Valentine’s Day whether you are a cynic or batting your eyes at every passing boy, you are sure to find some movie that will fit your form. Watch the trailers below and enjoy the day where we share in Love with everyone. Happy Valentine’s Day.
- The Lucky One. Don’t Worry, it comes out this spring. I can’t wait. Props to Zac Effron and muscle milk.
- The Notebook
- Dear John
- A Walk to Remember
- The Last Song
Sparks look A-Likes:
- The Vow This one opened last weekend. This is a story recreated about a couple that reconstructed their marriage together after Kim and Krickitt Carpenter
- PS I love you Saddest Movie Ever.
The even have love Stories for the Cynically Challenged:
AND Lastly, Two for Everyone, Late 80’s Classics:
John Cusack in Say Anything
and Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy me Love