Monthly Archives: May 2012

Have You Outgrown Your Current Relationship?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The truth is you may just be spoiled by lust; maybe you walk away from every relationship when the initial flames die.  Make sure that is not what you do time and time again. If that is not the case, maybe you have just outgrown your current relationship.  But how can you know the difference? The difference will be in the levels.  Your relationship becomes a constant lull; communication and interest will drop significantly.

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If you are no longer satisfied in the relationship because you have changed or because you two have been growing apart, maybe it is time to walk away.  Hanging onto a relationship that you are not invested in can make you act in ways of betrayal or hurt.  It is better to listen to your heart than deny emotions that can later cause issues.  To figure it out:

1. Spend some time alone.  Spend enough time with yourself to think things through.  Don’t let your current relationship or any possible love interest cloud your decision.

2. Think for yourself.  Don’t let other people’s opinions influence your thoughts.  Make it a priority to make the decision on your own.

3. Discover yourself.  If  you have hopped from relationship to relationship it is probably difficult to determine what you want.  Before you get serious in any relationship make sure you know what you want in your own life.  If you don’t, it may bring out feelings of resentment towards your partner later on.

But, We Can Still Be Friends….

Posted on by misskjelstrom

In some way or another we have all said it.  We have broken it off with someone and followed up with: but, we can still be friends.  We use this as a way to lighten the mood after the punch.  Whether this is sincere or not, it is more of just a cop-out. Read over the following paragraphs to get a better perspective of being the breaker or the breakee.

For the Breaker: Are the two of you really going to be kicking it and going on double dates?  Probably not.  The reality of the situation is that unless you were great friends before and the break-up is mutual, someone or both people are going to be hurt.  Society has deemed it an appropriate follow-up statement after a break-up.  I would advise unless you mean it, don’t use it.

For the Breakee: If you still want to be in the relationship, being friends is not a good idea.  It may come later, but now is not a good time.  No matter how ‘tough’ you may try to be and accept that you can handle it, it won’t be emotionally healthy for you.  Absence can make you gain a perspective that you couldn’t if you are hanging out with that person and holding onto old emotions.

How to Get Your Ex Back

Posted on by misskjelstrom

This is a how-to on getting an ex back.  These are quick tips that you can do with yourself.  This won’t necessarily mean that they will reciprocate, but if you want to try, its worth a shot.

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  • Capital SEXY. Be sexy.  This doesn’t mean wearing clothes that show more skin or taking more of those muscle pictures via cell phone in the mirror.  Try wearing more confidence.  Be natural and yourself; figure that out and you have the secret to capital SEXY.
  • Take care of you.  Don’t get caught up in impressing the ex; impressing them will start with yourself.  Taking care of yourself, maintaining your own hobbies, and spending free time with your friends will get more attention then draining your calendar with your ex’s events and past times.
  • The chase. No matter what way you look at it, everyone enjoys some sort of chase.  This can be as minimal as a mile jog or as long as a marathon.  Either way, don’t be available.  If you can be busy, the chase will fall into place all on it’s own.
  • Too much info.  Answer questions with shorts answers and never go into too much detail.  Make your ex curious.  Never give too much info on other people you are dating or hanging out with.  Information has a way of getting out without you disclosing everything to someone, let it happen naturally.
  • Can’t have it. People want what they can’t have.  Give it awhile.  Let them not have it.

Hanging out with the ex? Begin with something non-committal in a group to feel out if your ex is flirty with you or has eyes for some else.  Be savvy to body language and flirting.  Make it classy and be sophisticated; this will yield a good partner that falls back to love you and not just lust you.

Don’t

  • Flirt with other people in front of the ex you want back.  It’s tacky and won’t help.
  • Try too hard.  Everyone can see right through someone who is trying too hard.
  • Cook dinner, do laundry or begin with anything the involves taking care of your ex.

Electronic Leashes

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Someone I met the other day stated the term “Electronic Leashes” and a discussion began about it.  You see, back when our grandparents were dating, grandpa would go out and play a game of golf and have some beers after and grandma wouldn’t be blowing up his cell phone asking when he would be home.  Grandma could go out and hang with the girls for a girls-night-out without getting text messages every hour or so.

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Have we sabotaged relationships with our new electronic leashes?  To be specific today, leashes include cell phone calls, text messages and Facebook.  With the divorce rate up, we should begin to ask ourselves what is contributing to this.

It is good for you to spend time apart in relationships.  It is so difficult to be apart today by all the ways we can be connected to one another.  Seek out a routine, but one that gives you each amble time away without having to answer to one another.  It is healthy for every relationship to have time away and to connect with friends and family outside of the relationship.  When did we start to think that being in a relationship meant that you had to spend every second with one another?

Get rid of electronic leashes and give some free time to one another.  What do children always do when they have to answer to mom?  A lot of times they try to get away with what they can.  Getting rid of electronic leashes will make one partner feel less like “mom” and the other partner feel like they will have to rebel less.  Its a win-win.

When to Say ‘I Love You’

Posted on by misskjelstrom

You shouldn’t spout out ‘I love you’ every time your toes tingle.  But when is the appropriate time to use those deeply sincere words?  Worst of all, what if your partner doesn’t say it back?

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When? You will just know. No, I am kidding, although you might “just know” some of us need more help than that.  If you are unsure and it seems too early the best thing you can do is let the other person say it first.  Also be patient and let there be plenty of time for your heart and head to agree on what your mouth should say.

What if they don’t say it back? Yes, Ouch!  This one will hurt, your heart as well as your ego.  If it is apparent that you feel love and your partner doesn’t it is time to move on.  In successful relationships the partners have an equal or near equal connection with one another.

The Death of Chivalry

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The word chivalry comes from the demeanor of knights in the middle ages; the nobel knights had courage and honor.  Today we understand chivalry as the acts of men when taking care of a lady.  Men, we appreciate these acts.

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There is a disconnect today with how to treat a lady. Check out this list to get the low down on these high-class chivalrous acts:

  • Open or hold doors
  • Pay the bill
  • Carry the luggage
  • Scrape off the car windows in the winter
  • Offer your jacket when she is cold
  • Stand up when a woman arrives at or leaves the table
  • Pull the car around for her
  • Walk on the sidewalk closest to the street
  • Pull out her chair

Ladies, don’t settle for a man that isn’t a gentleman or doesn’t do his best to attempt to be.  Make sure you do your part by being thankful and polite in equally acceptable ways.

Quick Tips When Arguing in Your Relationship

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Arguing with your partner is an unpleasant thing for both parties.  Use these quick tips to avoid dragging arguments out and to keep the peace in your relationship.

  • Take some time.  Don’t say the first things that come to mind.  Plan out what should be said so you can do it in an appropriate manner.
  • Change your perspective.  Try to look at it from your partner’s point of view. Get an idea of where they may be coming from.
  • Take a step back. Try to take a step back when you are angry and let those initial feelings calm down before you begin discussions.
  • Listen. If something is bothering your partner the best thing you can do is listen.  Listening will make the other person feel like they are being heard and it will make it easier for them to hear your side.

Communication and good timing are key when it comes to getting through arguments with your partner.  Get to know your partners patterns of communication so they can vent and so you can be heard.  Communicate about what is bothering you to help from blowing up about it later.

Relationship Red Flags

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I want to share this story because hopefully we can all learn from it.  Ryan Seacrest on 102.7 KIIS FM does a morning show that is called Ryan’s Roses.  The show gets emails from viewers that want to know if there significant other is cheating.  They then contact these viewer, and a fake call is made from a fake floral shop that asks the other partner who they want to send a free dozen roses to and what they want the card to say.

This morning a woman named Crystal called because her boyfriend of 11 months was acting suspicious.  She had yet to visit his home and they often traveled at least 45 minutes away to go out together.  When John was contacted he was excited to send the free dozen roses to… his wife for Mother’s Day!  Crystal was devastated.  Crystal, the girlfriend, and John’s wife knew nothing of one another.  To make matters worse John tried to explain himself but wasn’t doing a great job.  Crystal got off the phone brokenhearted.

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This story is a very scandalous one, but why do we so often avoid red flags until the last second?  When you see red flags in a relationship you need to trust your instincts and those flags.  Red flags are anything that indicate potential problems.  The earlier on we see these red flags, the sooner we need to cut off the relationship.

Sometimes it is hard to break it off once we are consumed with love.

Try this: Make a list of Deal Breaking Red Flags that you can refer back to early on in the relationship and walk away if any criteria on that list is met.  You deserve only the best in a relationship.

The “Other” In An Affair

Posted on by misskjelstrom

When we talk about the “other” person in the affair, we often have no sympathy for someone who is willing to come in the middle of a relationship.  Maybe we shouldn’t have any, however if you have ever been the “other” person in an extramarital affair or with someone who is in an exclusive relationship, you should look into why you think it is okay to make these decisions.

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Ask Yourself:

  • Why do I keep going with a relationship where I know the other person is exclusively involved with someone?
  • Have I been cheated on or hurt and am doing this to get back at others for my own heartache?
  • What values and morals do I have that contradict my actions?
  • What if I was in this situation and the “other” person was with my partner?  How would I feel?
  • Do I feel any remorse for the decisions that I make of this nature?  Why or why not?

New social sites such as Ashley Madison- “Life is Short, Have an Affair”, promote actions of deceit and affairs.  I have a problem with this site, it encourages the wrong kind of intimacy and excitement.  You should find excitement within your relationship.

If you find yourself unhappy and you sabotage others’ relationships, it is time you evaluate your own life and intentions. 

If you find yourself in this situation, and someone in a relationship is pursuing you, try this:

Make it clear to the other person that you are not interested.  Maybe you met this person and they did not mention their relationship.  The second you find out about it walk away.  Someone who is willing to leave their current relationship for you, may also be willing to leave you later for another person.

Ignore friend requests on Facebook or other social sites.  Contact of this nature may seem harmless, but the more contact you have, the harder it may be to say no.

Ignore phone calls and texts.  Position yourself in a way to fight off the inappropriate relationship from the beginning.

Stand your ground.  Sometimes people just want what they can’t have, so ignoring them may make them try harder.  When this happens, you need to make it clear to them that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship or a friendship.  When we begin letting them in, even just as a friend, we already know we may later cross lines.

Long-Distance Relationships

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Are you in a long distance relationship? Or do you find yourself having trouble when your loved one is away? Some studies have been done on long distance relationships that show they still have:

  • Satisfaction
  • Intimacy
  • Commitment
  • Durability

There are multiple reasons that people are in long distance relationships.  Today the economy can be a common factor, but time apart can be a great way to stay independent and deal with the tension that can come from having such a close connection.  With today’s social medias of Facebook, face-time, Skype, cell-phones, and email it is easier to stay connected if a relationship has to be long distance.   If you feel like your distance is devastating, remember that you are not alone and that nearly 7 million couples consider themselves to be in long distance relationships. (Devito, The Interpersonal Communication Book, p.262).

So what do you do to keep your spirits up and your relationship strong?

Make Dates.  Try to plan certain days and times throughout the week that you will dedicate to talking to each other on face-to-face communication so you can see one another.

Text Often.  Texts are nice subtle reminders that you are thinking about your partner or a quick “I love you” on the days that are very busy.

  • Say Good-Morning and Good-Night.  Make sure you ease the jealousy that can come into long distance relationships by making that person the last one you come in contact with at night and the first in the morning.
  • Love Letter. Snail mail is a nice, old-school way to take some time and hand write a letter that they can read over and over again.  And it wouldn’t hurt to send a photo of yourself they can hang somewhere to see you each day.