I am beginning to realize that some of the advice I give about romantic relationships will work in many other relationships. This thought was inspired by a book I am currently reading: Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence. It has been used in business and personal realtionships alike. But what does this mean for us?
No matter how happy you are in your romantic relationship, if you are not happy in other relationships, casual or work- it leads to more difficulty in being happy in other areas of your life. It brings in confusion and choas to the other parts of your life that are stable.
Let’s look at the a root of unhappiness- Arguing and Disagreements. Whether you are in the mist of a disagreeement with someone at work, school, or in a relationship sometimes backing down can be the best thing. The tension that is brought in to your emotional state and the way you might be defensive or getting rilled up can have bad effects on your emotional stability.
Know when to let battles go. Also know that if there are people in your life who you spend more time arguing with then being on good terms, then maybe it is time to break up with them. Romantic relationships aren’t the only kind that can end in break ups. Agree to disagree with people who just feel the need to argue, diagree, or fight all the time.
Lead a healthy life of full, respectful, and mutually satisfying relationships.
Watching an episode of Dr.Drew last night, I met the woman called Elle. Elle is a now single, once bitter mom and soon to be ex-wife that utilized her heart ache to make a for-sale sign for her house:
Although on Dr.Drew the mom laughs off the recent infidelities of the family, I am not convinced that pain wasn’t still somewhere lodged in behind all the news crews. (The mom and dad both approved the sign before it went up.) The mom stated that she wanted the children to grow up in a home that is not broken, and although the ironic nature of the sign and situation, it brings me to believe we need to see the situation in truth, not humor.
We live in a society where facebook statuses and texts take place without much thought. We believe that it is appropriate to bash others that have hurt us or to leak our emotion via world wide web. Elle needs to remember although this is her way of getting through the suffering, she is also sending an insufficient message to her children.
Be mindful when you are hurting. Seek appropriate help and don’t let your ‘hate’ get the best of you. Make a plan to seek help in healthy ways so that your children and future generations learn how to cope appropriately by seeing us cope appropriately.
I have to credit a friend for this one. Let me elaborate. I was waiting on my current boyfriend, when we first started dating, to make the first move. (I am not big on making the first move). I didn’t want to openly just tell him to kiss me (takes the fun out of it). So my friend suggested, Graze the Cheek!
This works for either sex. It gives a sign to the other person that you want them to kiss you.
So what is Graze the Cheek?
When you are going in for a hug at the end of the night, you will graze the cheek of the other person as you separate yourself from the hug. You graze your cheek across their cheek intimately and slowly. (Graze- literally means: touching the surface lightly when it passes it). Once the graze is complete, this should prompt the other person to lock their lips with yours.
Don’t worry if it doesn’t work the first time, try it again next time and be more graze-ful.
This is a rule that I have talked about with friends before. This is a quick rule and it weeds out the shady from the non-shady people. Here is the rule:
If someone you are talking to does not tell you within the first 5-10 minutes that they have a girlfriend or boyfriend (if they in fact have one) then they are not a good person. We don’t live in a world where we are confused when we get hit on, and we are not oblivious to advances from the opposite sex.
I am not suggesting that you belt out that you are with someone in the first sentence, but I am suggesting that you be aware when you don’t claim your partner. Also, that you be aware when others are not claiming theirs.
Here is my best, personal example. I once met a guy whom I was definitely hitting on and he got my number. Days later he even managed to take me on a date.
About two weeks into it as he is arguing with this chic (his girlfriend) outside the restaurant we are at.
(Side Note: To make matters worse, I dated the guy for over a year after that. You know why, because I was hurting, emotional, and willing to take anyone down with me. I am positive in that year he cheated on me. You know why, because he was shady.) I should have seen it in the first meeting when he didn’t talk about his significant other in the first 5-10 minutes. Never-ever be with someone whom you later find out had a significant other. Even if they are willing to break up with them for you; they will be willing to break up with you down the road for someone else
The 5-10 minute rule can save you from people that don’t deserve you. Be conscious of this in your own conversations. When you get hit on, if you find yourself not claiming your partner, then you probably should not be with them.
I told myself over and over again that I was going to be very careful before I went exclusive with someone next. If you see my dating time-line, one might wonder if I paid no attention to rational and made moves only based on lust. I would agree in most instances. Emotional thinking and reacting was a way of life for me.
I went to see Savages last night. This chic had two relationships at the same time. I know the ideas of this in the movies and shows seem sexy, I tried, but it is just not me. It is something I thought would help me decipher the “winners” from the “losers”, but this isn’t the case. The real losers end up showing their true colors, and if you are savvy you need little reality to compare them with.
You see that is the problem with relationships. We think that we are going to have some fantasy, because shows like ‘The Bachelorette” take dates to a level that is difficult for any normal person to achieve.
The reality of relationships is that they can be difficult, confusing, and scary. They can also bring love, happiness, and understanding. My So-Called Dating Life is Now My So-Called Relationship. I am happy to share mine with you.
So you have been seeing “the guy” and are waiting for him to ask you that one question: Will you marry me?
That one question that will make your heart skip a beat, that will make the dream you have of your wedding day a reality, and that will get your facebook relationship status updated to engaged.
Every fancy dinner reservation or exotic trip leads you to get dressed to the tens for the dream picture you had of saying yes that day. But the last two fancy dinners or trips that you thought were leading up to the big question only left you with three letters- WTF?
You are still waiting him to ask you the big question. So what can you do to secure those four words before you loose your patience and your mind?
First, Don’t vocalize. He does not need to hear you say that you are ignoring him or acting like a bitchy girl until he pops the question.
Act like a dude and let up. Get busy with your girls, work too much, take an extra work out class, or get back in school. Whatever you do, make your top two priorities anything that but him.
Be less interested. You and this guy have obviously been together for awhile and there is nothing that is prompting him to hurry the question. However, just like the DTR (Define the Relationship) Talk, he will be more inclined to pop the question if he doesn’t “got you where he wants you.” be less interested in the relationship until he is ready to commit.
Sexy. Loose that extra weight you have been trying to, get your hair did, and get some new clothes. He will notice when those double takes begin and he will want to secure you by asking: Will You Marry Me?
Weaver is pitching for the Angels. Bases are loaded, no outs. The Angels managed to get a force play at home. Then Weaver gets two more batters out. The game ended in a win for the Angels and a combined shutout. So whether you are a Yankees, Rangers, Angels or Twins fan- baseball has more in common with marriage than you think. In baseball, there are so many plays and tactics that go into making it work just right. The same goes for relationships and marriage. You can not always predict the umpires’ call and you can not predict where you will hit the ball.
The Marriage Story
In marriages you spend as much time with your spouse, if not more, as the men who play baseball spend with their team.
You need to learn how to:
Know your position and play it well: Know your manners and temperaments in your relationship. Your spouse is depending on you just as much as you are on them to make the marriage work. Without each person on the team working hard, one person will end up carrying too much of the ‘team’ weight.
Be a team player: Learn how to pick your battles and let your partner win theirs.
Be open to change: Pitchers have to change-up their pitches depending on the players on base or the ball to strike count. Be flexible with the needs of your partner. Know that sometimes you are going to have to be open to change.
Remember you are contracted with your spouse much longer than a baseball player is contracted. You need to learn to joke with one another like the players do in the dugout and also be able to be a team player when it is time to win that game. In baseball, you can not win every game. In marriage battles will happen, it’s not about the wins or loses, but how you play the game.
Make sure you understand why you need space before you bring it up to your partner. This will allow you to appropriately relay your thoughts to them. Be clear about why you need space and most of all- Be Honest. You should be taking this time away to consider all aspects of the relationship and where you see the future of it.
Warning: Your partner might not agree with you and they may just end the relationship during this talk. Be ready for that.
If They Need Space:
You need to respect that your partner needs space. You might have anxiety about the reasoning for them wanting to take space, but you can confide in a close friend to talk about this. Keep the anxiety at bay so your partner doesn’t want to push you away more, because this could happen. You need to give them space. Don’t question with details about how long of a break, etc. Just let them contact you when they are ready.
Warning: If they immediately are contacting you, coming back or didn’t even take at least a week of space, this is a red flag. They don’t know what they want and are bringing you into their emotional instability. They want you when they don’t have you and don’t want you when they do.