Category Archives: Love

Your Biggest Relationship Asset

Posted on by misskjelstrom

What do you think your biggest relationship asset is?  Let me give you some hints:

It is not your looks, as sexy as you may be.  It is not your job, or your money, it is not your large house or the metals you won in sports; it is not how you romance someone.

 

The biggest asset in securing a relationship and keeping it is your attitude.  Your attitude is something that, whether you like it or not, is going to come out at your best times and your worst times. Your attitude includes the way you evaluate yourself and the outside world around you. It makes you judge and perceive situations and people.  But it also gives people insight on your personality.  Your attitude will allow your partner to see how you engage in certain situations and with certain people.

 

Here is a list of unattractive attitudes:

- Bad attitude.  Who wants to be around Pouty Pat or Sassy Sarah all the time? No one does!

- Entitlement attitude.   The reality is that your entitlement attitude might get you through your teens and even college, but it will not help you secure a spouse.

- Inflexible attitude.  Exceptions are important in life.  A black and white view of the world will only hinder your attitude.

- Selfish attitude. Being giving shows your ability to love.  If you are too busy keeping things all to yourself, sharing your life with someone will be difficult.

Your attitude will motivate you or make you fearful.  Your biggest relationship asset is part of your personality, but it is the part of your personality that can be altered.  Your attitude can change, but you have to work on aspects of your life in order to begin to change it.

Here are some attitudes you should adopt: hopeful, optimistic, playful, grateful, cheerful, open, and confident.

Here is how to work toward those promising attitudes:

Change your Expectations:  If you want others or yourself to meet too high of expectations, you will always be disappointed which will fuel a bad attitude.  Lower your expectations and make them more reasonable, this way you and others will be able to meet those expectations.

See the Glass Half Full:  Change the way you look at things.  Try to find the good in people, events, work and relationships.  This will help shape your attitude for the better.

Your Friends:  Make sure you have optimistic people surrounding you.  Our attitudes brush off on one another.  Being around people who have good attitudes will allow you to create one too!

Why You’re Not Married

Posted on by misskjelstrom

One of the most important aspects about being a good writer is being a great reader.  I came across this gem in the Huffington Post written by Tracy McMillan.  She writes for Mad Men and United States of Tara.  It was published in 2011, but two years later is still relevant to all those who want to get a ring on it.

Read the Whole Article By Clicking on the Link Below:

Why You’re Not Married

Refuse or Forgive After Infidelity

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We are quick to blame one party when our partners stray and meet someone outside of the relationship.  But what about, “It takes two to tango?”  I am not suggesting that you blame one party or the other, but I am suggesting that you give them equal responsibility or equal forgiveness.  Example- You are back with the guy who cheated on you, but you refuse to talk to the girl that he cheated on you with.  Maybe it is time to refuse to talk to both of them.  Or maybe it is time to forgive both of them. 

My suggestion is that if you are continuing the relationship with your partner and trying to resolve a time of infidelity, that you forgive both parties.  Letting go of that past can be the best thing to get you and your partner to move on to a successful future.  Moving on with your partner through a time of infidelity can be a very difficult task.  However if you are refusing to forgive your partner or the situation, the best thing you can do is get out of the situation.  If you are ruminating about the infidelity, the act of the cheating, or the parties involved, and are unable to stop your bad thoughts it is time to move on.  You can not continue to analyze why this went on.  Some situations in life just don’t make any sense and you will never be able to make sense of them.

Here are some quick suggestions to move on from this difficult situation:

  • Take care of yourself.  Get back into a happy hobby.  Hang out with friends.
  • Don’t disclose your personal life.  In the times of Facebook Status, it may be easy to bash your unfaithful partner via web, but I suggest against that.
  • Don’t listen to unsolicited advice.  Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and should not do in a situation of infidelity.  You need friends who give you support rather than judgement.
  • Forgive everyone involved.  Forgive your partner, the other party, and yourself.  You might even have to take some responsibility in order to forgive yourself.
  • Couples therapy.  It might be good to have a neutral third-party to help you get through set-backs of the relationship and move forward.  You will be able to talk honestly about your feelings in a safe environment.

The Marriage Housing Market

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The American housing market has been in a lull for some time now.  At least that is what I read; I am not an expert on housing, real estate or anything of that nature.  A couple of years ago, I overheard someone say, “It is a buyers’ market.”  Some people conceive the market is going back up progressively; it’s all in discussion followed by action.  

 So what does this have to do with your marriage?  Well, the marriage market is similar to the housing market.  There are reports that the divorce rate is increasing and reports that it is decreasing.  However the rate is null and void to the way we need to be active participants in our marriages.

Some people speculate that divorce is more prevalent when:

Divorce is becoming an open forum in which many people willfully or unwillfully take part. Reasons for divorce are said to be:

  • Lack of commitment
  • Lack of positive interaction
  • Lack of communication
  • Lack of sex
  • Lack of real expectations

So when our home does not have enough equity in it to sell, we stay with it.  We know that the investment we made in the beginning and it has to  yield the proper return for us.  Why can’t we do this in marriages? Whether the housing market is up or down, if you are a home owner, you are a home owner. The housing market is boosted by the economy, which is a collective citizen task.  Your marriage is boosted by what takes place in the marriage, which is a collective couple task.

Eventually the marriage will return to the value it once was, we have to try to put in work.  Putting in the due diligence to make your marriage work will predict the end result.  We have to be patient and trust that the process marriage takes will yield happiness later, even during difficult times.

*Sometimes getting divorced is the healthiest decision for all parties involved.  I am not soliciting advice for your specific situation; I am just advising you to take time in making such a decision and seek counsel from professionals.

A Loving Person is a Healthy Person

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I continuously read articles and books about relationships.  Love relationships, specifically, seem to have something in common across local articles, such as the OC Register and popular relationship books like The Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work by the Gottmans; they discuss how love helps us to live longer and healthier lives.  The notion is that: the immune system is affected by stress or arguing.  Couples that have less conflict tend to get sick less.

This concept makes sense when we discover that we are bound not only biologically to our immune systems but also psychologically and socially.

What this doesn’t mean is that you can blame the cold you had last week on your partner!  What it does mean is that stability in a relationship can be the beginning of good psyche and overall better health.  Once you get sick, your immune system is alerted and it tries to fight back.   When stress levels are high, our whole being (physically and mentally) has less fight left, including our immune system.  In regards to your relationship, prevention is the key.  Talking about issues and communicating can prevent arguments as well as sickness.

We were designed to give into certain biological responses.  Being in relationship with other people is natural.  Cultivating those relationships is not as natural, and it takes work from both parties. Remember these tips to increase the love you put out and the health benefit that it will put back into you:

1. Breath. Make sure you take deep breaths throughout the day or breath regularly to increase the overall calm that your body feels.  Sometimes we are not conscious to steady and regular breathing.  Controlled breathing can decrease anxiety.

2. Be aware of responses.  Our initial responses are often not the best ones.  When someone irritates us we are quick to anger.  Be aware of eliciting calm and peaceful responses. *This will take some work.  Remember that the only thing you can control is your reaction.

3. Love, Love, Love.  The articles I discussed before addressed being a caring and loving person as an important part of being healthy.  You can increase love feelings by evoking caring in your overall life.

Try being more in tune to your “love” self.

It’s Not You, It’s Me….

Posted on by misskjelstrom

In the relationship world, this tune plays out in real life and in the movies.  Someone might let you down by claiming all the responsibility and breaking up with you by letting you know that “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

But who is it really?  When it comes to whose fault it is that a relationship doesn’t work out, can any one party be to blame?

 

 

When any relationship ends, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, a small assessment is done.  The assessment takes place by talking to friends, looking back on old relationships, and by replaying what went right or wrong during the past few months leading up to the loss of friendship or break-up.  We try to find answers, but the truth is that sometimes those answers don’t exist.

We tend to think about all the bad things that happen when ending the relationship rather than having an objective idea of what the relationship looked like.  Both parties contributed to the ending of the relationship in some way.  It is important for you to be able to evaluate your contribution so you can be aware of it in future relationships.  Never try to assess or blame the other person’s contribution; this is when we get into trouble and make a bad situation worse.  Always use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

 

We live in a world filled with more break-ups and breakdowns than commitment. Working hard to mend a relationship or assertiveness to make one’s life better seem like daunting tasks.  We are too used to giving up being the new “norm.” I am not suggesting that you try to stay with someone who is abusive physically or mentally, but that you take the time to assess your life, your hang-ups, and your past to understand where it puts you in your relationships today.

It is easy for us to pass the buck and the blame onto someone else or to profess ourselves the blame to slip out of something.  Maybe in a world filled with easy outs, it is time that we went back to fighting for the health in our relationships. It is time that we seek out professional help to overcome the barriers that lead us to struggle in romantic relationships or friendships.

 

The Ugly Truth About Your Fling

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The truth about your fling is that when you first begin seeing them, they are everything you hope to find in a partner.  This person is sweet, they spend time with you, they make it a point to take you out, and they even woo over some of your friends.  They talk to you about their dreams and their future, which makes them even more irresistible.

Months later when the DTR talk comes up, there is no exclusive relationship in the near future.  Then you start seeing things such as; their pictures on Facebook tend to involve random multiple people of the opposite sex or maybe too much boozing in one night.  Texts happen a lot more after 11 p.m. and their idea of taking you out now is you driving an hour to go to their place.  They might talk to you about committing, but their actions are inconsistent with that.

The ugly truth about your fling is that their inconsistencies might be confusing you. Their inconsistencies might even lead you to pronounce to your friends that you won’t be seeing them again.  The hard truth about this is that your well-being hangs in the balance of your ability to walk away from this person.

Maybe you are able to find peace in the “fling” type of relationship.  You may both be in the relationship just for fun and have no intention of getting seriously romantically involved with one another.  However, the hard truth is typically that one party is going to get hurt.  The even harder truth is that if you have read this far into this blog, that person is probably you.

The ugliest truth about your fling is what it means about you.  Why are you willing to keep hanging on to someone who isn’t giving you their all?  A wise friend once told me that relationships are not black and white.  I agree that relationships can have many gray areas.

The rule of thumb is that if the other party is unwilling to connect with the level of commitment that you need, you will end up on the losing end.  Remember that you are likely to see their inconsistencies anyways, so maybe it’s time to throw this fling back into the single sea.

Are You in a Relationship Rut? Or just a Routine?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

A rut is defined as “a long deep track made by the repeated passages of the wheels of a vehicle.” A routine is defined as “a sequence of actions regularly followed.”

A relationship routine is agreed upon and followed by both parties.  A routine makes comfort and fun available to both parties.  Routines include positive features that make both parties feel good about the relationship.  Routines are kept up with and both partners take time to think about one another and do little things that they know would be meaningful to the other person.

A relationship rut  is created by one partner and followed by another. The pattern of repeated wear and tear begins to create tracks in the relationship.  In a rut there is conflict after conflict and no partner in the relationship is left feeling good.

couple-fighting-2

As a relationship leaves what we call the “honeymoon stage” both partners begin to feel less connected and more consumed with the “task” of keeping up with the relationship.  This is the biggest time when a relationship can get stuck in a rut.

In the beginning of the relationship, you wanted to pay more attention to what would make your partner smile and feel good, such as leaving a note.

Try these three steps if you feel you are in a relationship rut:

Step 1: Each day ask yourself what you can do for the other person?  Yes, each and every day.  That may be making dinner, helping with dinner, leaving a note, or holding the person and telling them how much you love them and care about them.  It can be as easy as a compliment or a romantic touch. Ask about their day, or engage in a conversation. These things remind us of the connections that we had early in the relationship.  If both partners actively ask that and act on it each day, the relationship will begin to flow smoothly.  It takes an active engagement in the relationship to change it.

Step 2: Positive, positive, positive.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.

Not, “I don’t like when you…..”  Try “I love it when you help with the dishes.”  Positive talk from both parties will create a positive environment that allows both partners to feel happy, cared for and loved.  Positive-in leads to positive-out.  There are times when you need to discuss certain undesirable characteristics to work through a rough patch, but talk about it then move on.  Don’t stay in blame or hurt for longer than you have to.

Step 3: Play around.  Try to do something spontaneous.  Be playful in your relationship.  Find what you have within you to create a playful relationship and environment.

Will You Accept this Rose? Breaking down the Bachelor and Bachelorette

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Will you accept this rose?  If you are not familiar with that question, maybe you have not seen the ABC shows The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are American reality television shows that place a male (bachelor) or a female (bachelorette) in the mix of 25 members of the opposite sex to find “true love.”  The show is hosted by Chris Harrison who offers support as the main character wrestles with final decisions on who to send home each week.

This show has some ups and downs, but overall there are people whose feelings will be hurt, whose hearts might be broken, or who’s true colors will come out in a house full of women battling over the same suitor.

This season we take a walk with Sean as he looks for a future mate by the end of the season.  Sean, along with 24 other men, was a contestant of the last season of the Bachelorette, trying to win over Emily’s love.  Sean was in the final three on Emily’s season and was sent home with a broken heart.  He was asked to appear on his own season and seems to be well up for the challenge.

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Tonight, Monday January 28th, Sean will approach week 4 with 16 women left.  You can watch as the women in the house interact with one another, and as Sean chooses the women that he wants to spend another week with.

The premise of this show is interesting; especially to watch from a psychological perspective.  When you put one suitor in a house that is in search of love, and give them a reasonable or large number of people to choose from, they are bound to find love during the show.  If someone told you that as a single man, you were going to be in a house with even six beautiful women who are also looking for love; likely that you will leave the house with one of those women.  The true test is once you get out into the reality of your lives, if you stay together.

It is after the show that we see these relationships end most of the time.  According to a report by Wetpaint entertainment news and gossip, only 3 of 24 couples matched on the show are still together.  These statistics make it apparent that reality tv shows make it impossible for us to have real expectations of relationships, dates, and mates.

We watch these seasons unfold as the couples are taken on elaborate dates, flown to exotic locations, and even have confetti thrown on them as they kiss.  It is important that we don’t let reality shows on love skew our image of the hard work, dedication, and collaboration it takes to make a relationship survive.

Why You Aren’t Meeting Mr or Mrs Right or Wrong

Posted on by misskjelstrom

People sometimes use the phrase, “Why you aren’t meeting Mr.Right.”  I don’t necessarily like that phrase because even if you are out meeting people in the dating pool, you are the only person who gets to decide if they are right or wrong.  It is about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right for You.  And if we are being completely honest, you may have thought previous people who you dated were right for you the moment you met them.  As the relationship goes on you begin to learn more about yourself and that other person.  They might turn into Mr. or Mrs. Wrong for you.  No one is objectively wrong or right, when we get into relationships we learn if we can stay together.

This article is not about whether a specific person is right or wrong for you.  It is an article about why you may not be meeting anyone.  In today’s culture of social media and technology, it is not often that we interact with other people as much as we used to.  We don’t have to go into stores to pay our bills, because we can pay them on the internet.  We don’t have to deposit in banks with direct deposit and bank apps.  Online shopping allows us to spend less time as outside consumers, and you can even have your groceries delivered.  Social sites like Facebook and Twitter keep us from connecting with other people conversationally.  Technology is great for briefly catching up on the latest news, but not so great for your dating life.

What Can You Do

It might be that you see the same 20 people over and over again if you work for a smaller company.  Even if you work for a large company, it is likely that you only see people from the same department.  Think about if you leave the house (from a car in the garage)  and drive to work.  Then after the day at work, you get into the car and drive home to make yourself dinner and watch the latest episode of your favorite show.  You have only interacted with those same 20 people from work that day.  You have met zero people that day; which gives you zero chances to meet a potential partner.

Now, if you take public transit or grab a friend to go out to lunch, or go to a place to eat after work; you have just given yourself 1-3 opportunities in just one day to meet someone.  That means that out of the 52 weeks in that year, you can give yourself 260-780 instances in which you can meet a partner.

Or Try These

  • Change up your routine.  Go to different grocery store or work out at different times. The same people at the gym at 5 pm present the same dating opportunities.  Mix it up to see what the gym holds early morning or what shopping late at night might offer you.
  • Forgo technology.  Go to the bank, shop at the store, and even leave your phone in your pocket in public.  You are unapproachable when you are walking and texting at the same time.  Every time you can immerse yourself in people gives you more and more opportunities to meet someone.
  • Take a class.  Not in school anymore?  Take a class; and make sure the ratio is to your benefit.  Women take a welding or building class, men try for cooking or pottery.  Sounds ridiculous, but you might be the only female in a room of 20 men; half of which statistically will be single.
  • Move from the small town.  Do you live in a town where “everybody knows your name” ? If you want to branch out and meet people, maybe the small town  isn’t for you.  If you don’t want to move, traveling 45 minutes to an hour can give you new scenery including new potential dating partners.
  • Stop locking and dropping.  This is locking yourself into a dating situation where the other person is waiting to meet someone else before they drop you.  If you are locked into dating one person who just isn’t real or serious about the relationship, it is time to remove him or her from your dating life.
  • Boys and Girls can be friends.  Yes they can be, but hanging out with the opposite sex all the time will make it impossible for other people to know you are available, even if your Facebook status reads “single.”  Remember that no one can read your profile when they are having a conversation with you.

You have many opportunities to meet potential partners but you may first have to embrace some change and commit to meeting new people.