I was listening to Loveline with Dr. Drew the other night. I overheard him say this to one of the callers, “Intensity is not love.” I sat with that for a moment and began to unpack what it means to have intensity in a relationship.
Intensity is not what the majority of us know as “Butterflies;” that initial warm tingling feeling that we get when we see that person or when we think about them when they are away. Intensity is much different. Butterflies are driven by the same oxytocin hormone, but the intensity is like an addiction and can be driven by negative triggers in the oxytocin. The intensity lies in large and fast amounts of this “love hormone” resulting later in opposite behaviors like jealousy and envy; although these emotions might not come through at the beginning of the intensity, these emotions can take effect after the intensity is over or during its intensity.
Intensity is mostly felt by those who experience relationships through insecure/anxious attachments or avoidant attachments. Secure attachments are the healthy attachments that allow us to get the proper doses of oxytocin at the proper times and allow for quality trust and bond building.
When the brain and body illicit butterfly feelings, once those feelings go away our bodies do not crave or seek out those feelings. We have landed in a comfortable place when we stop feeling those initial rushes of emotion; comfort and security override those feelings. However when we feel intensity, it is never enough when it goes away; it is the chaos that we constantly feel or seek out in the unhealthy relationship.
When thinking about a specific someone who makes you have intense feelings, some of which can even create some anxiety, listen to your body more and take the time to acknowledge what the relationship or person is actually doing in your life.
You can also take this QUIZ to review your attachment style. Ask yourself if intensity is something you crave. Look into understanding your attachment style to make better and healthier connections with your partners in the future.
We are quick to blame one party when our partners stray and meet someone outside of the relationship. But what about, “It takes two to tango?” I am not suggesting that you blame one party or the other, but I am suggesting that you give them equal responsibility or equal forgiveness. Example- You are back with the guy who cheated on you, but you refuse to talk to the girl that he cheated on you with. Maybe it is time to refuse to talk to both of them. Or maybe it is time to forgive both of them.
My suggestion is that if you are continuing the relationship with your partner and trying to resolve a time of infidelity, that you forgive both parties. Letting go of that past can be the best thing to get you and your partner to move on to a successful future. Moving on with your partner through a time of infidelity can be a very difficult task. However if you are refusing to forgive your partner or the situation, the best thing you can do is get out of the situation. If you are ruminating about the infidelity, the act of the cheating, or the parties involved, and are unable to stop your bad thoughts it is time to move on. You can not continue to analyze why this went on. Some situations in life just don’t make any sense and you will never be able to make sense of them.
Here are some quick suggestions to move on from this difficult situation:
- Take care of yourself. Get back into a happy hobby. Hang out with friends.
- Don’t disclose your personal life. In the times of Facebook Status, it may be easy to bash your unfaithful partner via web, but I suggest against that.
- Don’t listen to unsolicited advice. Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and should not do in a situation of infidelity. You need friends who give you support rather than judgement.
- Forgive everyone involved. Forgive your partner, the other party, and yourself. You might even have to take some responsibility in order to forgive yourself.
- Couples therapy. It might be good to have a neutral third-party to help you get through set-backs of the relationship and move forward. You will be able to talk honestly about your feelings in a safe environment.
The American housing market has been in a lull for some time now. At least that is what I read; I am not an expert on housing, real estate or anything of that nature. A couple of years ago, I overheard someone say, “It is a buyers’ market.” Some people conceive the market is going back up progressively; it’s all in discussion followed by action.
So what does this have to do with your marriage? Well, the marriage market is similar to the housing market. There are reports that the divorce rate is increasing and reports that it is decreasing. However the rate is null and void to the way we need to be active participants in our marriages.
Some people speculate that divorce is more prevalent when:
- It’s a 2nd or 3rd Marriage
- You and your spouse argue consistently about finances
- You co-habitat before entering into the marriage
- You live in a red state (Republican)
- Your parents are divorced
- And my personal favorite:If you live in Wayne County, Indiana, and are over 15 years old, there’s a 19.2 percent chance that you’ve been divorced.
Divorce is becoming an open forum in which many people willfully or unwillfully take part. Reasons for divorce are said to be:
- Lack of commitment
- Lack of positive interaction
- Lack of communication
- Lack of sex
- Lack of real expectations
So when our home does not have enough equity in it to sell, we stay with it. We know that the investment we made in the beginning and it has to yield the proper return for us. Why can’t we do this in marriages? Whether the housing market is up or down, if you are a home owner, you are a home owner. The housing market is boosted by the economy, which is a collective citizen task. Your marriage is boosted by what takes place in the marriage, which is a collective couple task.
Eventually the marriage will return to the value it once was, we have to try to put in work. Putting in the due diligence to make your marriage work will predict the end result. We have to be patient and trust that the process marriage takes will yield happiness later, even during difficult times.
*Sometimes getting divorced is the healthiest decision for all parties involved. I am not soliciting advice for your specific situation; I am just advising you to take time in making such a decision and seek counsel from professionals.
Well everyone, sexting was officially added in Webster’s Dictionary this year. ”Sexting” is defined as: a blend of the words sex and texting, and first came into use in 2007. It’s the act of sending lewd messages or racy photos via cellphone.
If you are of the baby booming generation or older, just ask your oldest (one that it at least in college) kid about this. Also make sure to talk about it to your teens. Sexting is something that needs discussed and understood. The worst thing you can do is ignore the issue and let teens’ peers help them make these decisions. Simply talk to them and help them understand the dangers.
Why do you think it’s okay to Sext me?
Have you ever gotten some shirtless picture from a person deciding to send it to you after taking it in their bathroom mirror?
Do you sometimes get text language from a possible partner that seems vulgar?
Overall, a person that crosses lines like this does not have much discrepancy themselves. Your language, texts and interactions may be responsible for leading them astray. I am not suggesting that you are the one giving them the wrong idea, but controlling your actions is always easier than controlling someone else’s. Control your actions and hopefully theirs by following these don’ts.
- Use sexual language
- Send sexual pictures
- Make jokes that allude sexual talk
- Overstep your own boundaries
- Be too sexual in your mannerisms
Never assume that your privacy is safe with someone when it can be quickly streamed or sent anywhere.
Some couples have difficulty talking about sex. What your partner needs and desires may be different from what you need and desire. Effective communication is something that can be learned. Open communication about sex is also something that can be learned.
An article in Psychology Today talks about how almost all couples suffer from sexual desire problems. The number one reason that couples break up is from communication problems. A lack of communication about sex is assumed to be a large problem for some couples to.
When you try to have conversations about sex, it is very similar to other conversations with your partner. Effective communication has to be learned. Don’t be judgmental and have an open mind that what they want and need may be different from your wants and needs.
Remember these things about sex:
- Communicating about sex can be difficult
- Foreplay is important
- Be humble to establish true passion with your partner
- Removing tension will make bedroom time more fun
If you are unsure about certain bedroom issues and want more information on sex topics, great articles from well written and educated people can be found on: http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sex
Relationships go through a lot of different trials, but some situations can bring out someone’s nature more quickly. Look at this list to make sure you see your significant other in the given situations or scenarios:
- Friends and Family. You should spend ample time with your partners’ family and friends. Look at how they interact with those closest to them.
- Wedding. You should accompany each other to at least one wedding before ever thinking about tying the knot yourself.
- Traveling. Go on a trip or two with your significant other (preferably a week or more). See how they pack, travel, and work through unfamiliar places.
- Work stress. Work is a large part of most of our lives. Understand how your partner reacts to pressures at work. Do they give up? Or do they git-r-done? This says a lot about the character of a person and how they adapt or handle stress.
- Silence. Relax and let the silence be and see how they handle the situation.
But what are you looking for in these scenarios? You are looking into their relationships with others and their reactions to stress or life. This can tell you a great deal about how they will interact with you in the long run. How they react to situations tells a lot about how they will react to the situations that come up in the relationship.
There are some people that you might be drawn to. You may be attracted to a specific attribute or just have an emotional pull to them. I see people again and again stay in relationships or continue to date someone who is just not very tentative or nice. But how do you know the difference between the ones that got away and the ones that didn’t? There really are plenty of fish in the sea.
Remember the ones that didn’t get away include:
- The one that is going after your friend, but tells you they liked you first while your friend goes to the bathroom.
- The one that sends you a half-naked picture they took in the mirror via text. Then says’ “your turn.”
- The one that can only seem to find time for you when it is convenient for them.
- The one that you know is somewhat of a player, but you disregard all the advice and signals. (mostly because you are an idiot)
- The one that will hook up with you then not contact you again until the next drunk dial.
- The one that still contacts you even though they are in a relationship.
- The one who says the last book they read was by Tucker Max.
Making a timeline helps us reconstruct how events took place or a past that we came from. We use timelines for different reasons, but additionally they can help us to look through the past mistakes or habits of our relationships.
If you have a tendency to get stuck in the wrong kinds of relationships maybe a timeline can help you learn from past mistakes or gain insight in making future changes. Patterns can be found in the way we interact with the people we are in relationships with or why we chose them in the first place. Use this timeline to set goals and to establish healthier relationships.
Making a timeline of your ex’s and past relationships will explain the following:
- attributes of people you seek in a relationship
- patterns of people it did or did not work with
- reasons why the relationship ended
The timeline should consist of:
- names and dates
- fight and non-fighting habits
- likes and dislikes
- emotional connections or disconnections
- sexual encounters and how they were
- attributes, attitudes and personality of the people you dated
Rationality trumps emotion in the long run. If you find your actions stemming from emotion most of the time, it is time to evaluate what is hindering you from reacting without rational thought patterns. You deserve positive and healthy dating experiences. Learning about yourself and your habits can help you begin this journey.
Have you ever woke up in the morning to look at your phone and go, “oh shit!” Well, I am sure this has happened to the best of us. No matter who you are most people in our generation have done a drunk dial. We should breifly highlight how to not drunk dial or tipsy text:
- Give your phone to a friend. Make sure this is a friend that will not get drunk too and give the phone back after you begin to demand it later in the evening.
- Have a friend put a passcode on your phone, so you can’t get into it.
- Leave your phone at home.
- Don’t drink; limit yourself.
- Let your phone be close to running out of battery before leaving for the evening. This way it will run out prior to you even considering picking it up.
- Have some self-control.
- Be creative and try something like this:
This is a how-to on getting an ex back. These are quick tips that you can do with yourself. This won’t necessarily mean that they will reciprocate, but if you want to try, its worth a shot.
- Capital SEXY. Be sexy. This doesn’t mean wearing clothes that show more skin or taking more of those muscle pictures via cell phone in the mirror. Try wearing more confidence. Be natural and yourself; figure that out and you have the secret to capital SEXY.
- Take care of you. Don’t get caught up in impressing the ex; impressing them will start with yourself. Taking care of yourself, maintaining your own hobbies, and spending free time with your friends will get more attention then draining your calendar with your ex’s events and past times.
- The chase. No matter what way you look at it, everyone enjoys some sort of chase. This can be as minimal as a mile jog or as long as a marathon. Either way, don’t be available. If you can be busy, the chase will fall into place all on it’s own.
- Too much info. Answer questions with shorts answers and never go into too much detail. Make your ex curious. Never give too much info on other people you are dating or hanging out with. Information has a way of getting out without you disclosing everything to someone, let it happen naturally.
- Can’t have it. People want what they can’t have. Give it awhile. Let them not have it.
Hanging out with the ex? Begin with something non-committal in a group to feel out if your ex is flirty with you or has eyes for some else. Be savvy to body language and flirting. Make it classy and be sophisticated; this will yield a good partner that falls back to love you and not just lust you.
- Flirt with other people in front of the ex you want back. It’s tacky and won’t help.
- Try too hard. Everyone can see right through someone who is trying too hard.
- Cook dinner, do laundry or begin with anything the involves taking care of your ex.