Let’s talk about relationship expectations. The expectations you have of your partner may lead to disappointment and brokenness when it comes to your romantic relationships. But don’t worry, I am not just going to sit here and tell you that your expectations are bullshit and that you are ridiculous for wanting your partner to call, to help with the dishes, or to split the bill. I am going to assist you in understanding how to alleviate the communication barriers of expectations. How are we ever going to find a resolution if we can not communicate effectively about the problem?
Couples should discuss the expectation that they have. They need to be able to communicate this early on in the relationship. Some expectations are derived from each individual. They may have come from pressures our parents put on us or from past dating experiences. However, some expectations are created within the relationship. When a couple first gets together they are excited to be sharing in one another. They might talk on the phone every day and this expectation is one that is created by the couple in the process of engaging in the relationship. If this stops suddenly, there may be some discrepancies in how both parties feel about it. It is important to know and understand which expectations were mutually created and which are individually brought into the relationship. This way you can get a better idea of how to properly handle each expectation.
I will utilize an example so we can process the helpful responses we will discuss later. Sally wants Harry to text her on Tuesday because he is out of town for work. Harry called her when he arrived to his hotel on Monday night; they chatted, said goodnight, and went to bed. On Tuesday, Harry got busy with work and had dinner with colleagues, so he called Sally late in the evening around ten p.m. Harry did not text or call during the day. Now they are on the phone and at this point Sally is already irritated because she was hoping to hear from him during the day since he is away on a business trip. Harry is unable to understand why if he spoke with Sally on Monday night and again tonight why it is such a big deal? So Sally goes on about how Harry doesn’t care and Harry tries to explain that he does. He gets defensive and she came into the conversation angry. Inside he feels like he failed and inside she feels like she isn’t cared about.
It becomes a dance that we see all too often; and honestly, it is normal in the context of a relationship. Especially in the beginning when we are learning about one another’s needs. If this type of behavior continues as the length of the relationship progresses and the parties are unable to communicate about it, we have to ask ourselves, why? We have to consciously make the decision to do something about it and not just blow off the other person.
Not to make it a battle of the sexes, but woman often verbalize and hold onto their expectations more. Men are like, Meh. They can passively get through the small expectations. The woman handles it with anger or sadness which makes the man feel like he let her down. There is nothing worse for a man than the feeling of failure or disappointment. It is ingrained in the man to be able to care for the needs of others in specific ways. If he feels like he failed, withdrawing is often the easiest response to an angry woman. The easiest response for the woman is anger when hurt is what she really feels.
In the story of Sally and Harry here are some helpful examples of alternative responses:
1. Sally could have sent a text to Harry and said “Hey sweetie, How is your day going?” If we have an expectation for someone else to do something, the easiest solution is to do it ourselves. (Starting with a pet name always creates positive energy.)
2. Sally could call and leave a message or verbalize to Harry that it was her fault that she is upset since she had the expectation for him to call. But maybe in the future he can make sure to have some form of contact during the day when away? (This is formed as a question because it is important that our partner have a say in the resolution and that we are not just demanding something.) Sally is openly communicating a need and placing the burden on herself rather than her partner. This can help the partner to feel empathetic rather than defensive.
3. Sally can self-reflect. Understanding why we need a certain behavior out of our partner is important. Sally may have had a negative past dating experience with a previous partner while away on a trip. It is important to discuss this with our partner, but also to take additional time to ourselves to reflect on how we might be able to change this expectation since it was not created in the current relationship.
If these don’t work because there is still defensiveness and anger even when just trying to communicate a problem, it might be time to look into couple’s therapy and have a third-party reflect with you on some good solutions and tools. We get our cars serviced. Relationships are no different. If you want it to “run well” you have to take care of it.
When is an expectation reasonable or unreasonable? How is this even decided? This type of reflection and answer is a process. I believe that I personally didn’t understand the expectations that I had for partners until I had personal therapy combined with experiences in dating. There has to be some self-reflection and self-awareness that takes place if we are going to change patterns that sabotage our relationships. Expectations can disrupt a relationship if not handled correctly.
If you are the type of person that doesn’t take constructive criticism well, you might find it difficult to self-reflect. You will be more defensive at the thought of changing something about yourself instead of being humbled by the opportunity. I urge you to do the same type of reflection and allow yourself to let that self-critic go. It is beneficial to be able to change difficult or unwelcoming patterns so you can have successful romantic relationships. Ultimately in successful relationships, partners need to be able to meet one another’s needs or expectations to a reasonable level. The environment of the relationship should feel like teamwork. When it doesn’t feel like teamwork bitterness and frustration come in. It is only fair that we partner for the long-haul with someone who is similar in nature. Specifically when this nature has to do with work-ethic which directly correlates with some expectations. I have yet to see anyone do a relationship perfectly, so we are all in this together. Relationships are hard work, but they yield the most rewarding happiness.
In preparation for my New Years Resolution post that will appear tomorrow, I was reading many other writers’ ideas on what the New Year should hold for us. Please enjoy this great article by Kathryn Sneed on Marriage Resolutions for the New Year!
I wanted to share this great article from the Gottman Institute blog. The Gottman’s are relationship experts that have been researching relationships for over 20 years. Enjoy!
I wanted to share a motivational speech for this evening’s article. Although this discussion has a specific audience, we can all learn from these inspiring words. The title of the article was fitting because time and time again, I hear a new generation emerging that wants to get handed success and not work for it. The generations before us worked hard for us to be able to work hard. Those generations did not work hard for us to send 1,000 plus texts every day to friends and play candy crush until we have to purchase more lives. I hope these lessons can inspire you to move towards your dreams.
1. You have to have heart. Most of you say you want to be successful, but you don’t want it that bad. When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, you will be successful.
2. Be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what you are for what you can become.
3. Pain is temporary.
In 2006, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo wrote a book called, “He’s just not that into you.” In 2009 it became a movie. Both the book and the movie give a baseline for how to tell if someone was into you by the nature of their actions and verbals.
Based on the book you know that someone is not into you if:
1. They don’t call or text; If someone is into you the calls and the texts are the first casual way for them to make efforts to connect with you.
2. They don’t want to make plans with you; If someone is into you, they will actively seek out your company (no matter how “busy” they are).
3. They are not interested in getting to know you; If someone is into you they ask questions and actively listen when communicating with you.
4. They seem distracted when you are out in social settings or groups; If someone is into you they make it a point to make you feel comfortable in social settings. This may look like eye contact, introducing you to people, or gestures of touching you throughout the event.
The question, is the person you are dating into you, has made its way into society to ellicit humor and irony for unrequited love or romance. However, this question can answer if your current dating partner is able and ready to make a healthy romantic connection with you. If the person is not able to make these simple gestures they may have experienced something different from secure attachments in their past. The ability for someone to prompt a relationship to a higher level can help you distinguish if they are relationship material. Yes, they may just not be into you. However, these signs are also a good indication of someone who is ready to take the dating to another level.
We all have expectations, dreams and hopes of what we want our relationships to look like. Communication and connection are important parts of what make a relationships work. These expectations are minimal and you can hold someone accountable to be generally reliable. You should have personal values that show someone you appreciate their time and they need to appreciate yours.
The article goes the same way for if you find yourself consistently searching for people who are unavailable. If you have a tendency to continue in a relationship where someone is not active in the types of participation you want (i.e responding to texts or answering calls) it is time that you let them go. In order for you to have a healthy and secure relationship you need to process why you constantly enjoy the company of people who want to give you half of what you give them. Don’t chase after anyone and don’t let anyone chase after you. Actively participate in a walk with one another because mutual initiation in dating is key.
I really enjoyed reading this book. I believe it brings insight into, not only parenting, but also all types of relationships.
This site began as a way for readers to explore their dating and romantic relationship patterns. After over a year of reading, research, and writing, the site hit a kind of “block”. It was not a block from a lack of information about how to understand your romantic relationships.
As the author, I realized the site’s information could benefit readers in some instances but something was missing. Discussions of all the other relationships in our lives was missing. These relationships help form how we go about our romantic relationships; they form how our children will go about theirs. Relationships with our parents, grandparents, care-givers, peers, friends, children, co-workers, or people we interact with all matter. Over the years I have heard many people ask “What do you do for a living?” It is our conversation go-to to get to know someone.
The most appropriate answer to that question may be, “I am in relationship with other people.” But what does that mean? What is the importance of having happy and healthy relationships?
I have heard people say “It is healthy to fight.” Is that the real view of how things should be in relationships? Is the new norm to fight? Whether with our friends, family, or significant others, what are relationships “supposed” to look like?
Join me as we explore Relationships of all types this upcoming year!
Only 7 days left until Valentine’s Day!!
Are you still not sure what to plan for your partner? Maybe we can help!
Have a Crush: Send some flowers with a quick note. No roses, just Gerber daisies with “friendly” pairings (the floral shop should know what to do). Add just a quick note, “Hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day.”
New Relationship: If your relationship is new, try a low-key dinner. It is difficult to determine if we should or should not celebrate this holiday when the relationship is new. Error on the side of caution and plan something small.
Single: Be comforted that you are not alone. This holiday is about Love. Not only romantic love but the love we share each and every day with family and friends! Plan a day with a single friend or remind your family how much you care by sending out Valentines.
Spa Packages. If you are looking to spoil your love, this could be the ticket. Call a local spa, check it’s website for legitimacy, and schedule an all-day trio of: Massage, Facial, and Pedicure. Lots of places offer couple packages if you want to partake in the day.
Looking to Personalize. For a partner this means more that hustling out to the dinner crowds or opening a gift you just grab from target on the way home from work. If you want to come from the heart try these:
- Personal jewelry (not inscribing a name, but a stone from an important relative in a new piece of jewelry or a piece that compliments your partners’ character)
- Romantic Picnic (too cold outside? Set up a park style motif in the house)
- Dress and Shoes (A friend can help with her size and style. She can open this on Tuesday for dinner reservations another night.) It’s so pretty woman, without all the hooker stuff.
Dinner: Stop reading this blog and pick up the phone. Valentine’s Day is the busy Restaurant day of the year, so if you want to get a seat, you must plan ahead. Try a smaller local joint to make the night more memorable.
Flowers: If you think this is to cliché, think again. Flowers are great, and enjoyed even more when you have them delivered to your partners work or school. Secretly people like others to “enjoy” them with us.
If your partner “hates” Valentine’s Day it is possibly due to a history of bad Valentine’s Days so make this one good!
It can be frustrating to be a single in today’s world. You stand in line to be seated at a restaurant and hear the hostess say, “only one?” Stub Hub sells tickets in 2’s and 4’s. All of your friends have a Facebook status that says “in a relationship.” You don’t have a plus one at any of your friends’ weddings. Single can feel lonely in a world of couples.
So why are you single? Do you ask yourself why you have yet to meet Mr or Mrs right? What are you doing or not doing that keeps you single?
1. The Places You Go. Do you frequent bars in hopes that you will meet the person of your dreams? Maybe some of your friends have met their significant others at bars, but if you have been rocking the bar scene for quite some time without much luck, it is time to change it up. Change up the places you go so you can meet new people.
2. The Things You Do. You possibly work and/or go to school. Try something new. If you are a guy, volunteer in a humanitarian effort. This is a good place to build character and to meet people who also exhibit good character. If you are a girl, try business networking events. This is a good place to meet career oriented men that exhibit work ethic and social skills.
3. You Are Too Focused. You have not embraced being single. I am not talking about in an irresponsible college undergraduate way, but in a personal acceptance way. You need to focus on a job, school, or something other than securing a significant other. It will find you, you will not find it.
4. You Think In Generalities. You give up because you think that “all men are bad” or “all women are emotional.” Talking or thinking in generalities will make good people walk away. No one wants to listen to someone who already has an idea of them, without getting to know them.
5. You Expect Too Much. Think about the expectations that you have for a significant other. Most of us have too high of expectations and people can just not live up to them. Limit your expectations, not for you, but so other people can come into your life without having to live up to your too high standards.
Mr or Mrs Right is out there somewhere. It may take longer than you like for you to meet that person, but timing is everything. Be the best you, so you can meet the best someone else.
Some couples have difficulty talking about sex. What your partner needs and desires may be different from what you need and desire. Effective communication is something that can be learned. Open communication about sex is also something that can be learned.
An article in Psychology Today talks about how almost all couples suffer from sexual desire problems. The number one reason that couples break up is from communication problems. A lack of communication about sex is assumed to be a large problem for some couples to.
When you try to have conversations about sex, it is very similar to other conversations with your partner. Effective communication has to be learned. Don’t be judgmental and have an open mind that what they want and need may be different from your wants and needs.
Remember these things about sex:
- Communicating about sex can be difficult
- Foreplay is important
- Be humble to establish true passion with your partner
- Removing tension will make bedroom time more fun
If you are unsure about certain bedroom issues and want more information on sex topics, great articles from well written and educated people can be found on: http://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sex