Tag Archives: be more encouraging

The Marriage Housing Market

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The American housing market has been in a lull for some time now.  At least that is what I read; I am not an expert on housing, real estate or anything of that nature.  A couple of years ago, I overheard someone say, “It is a buyers’ market.”  Some people conceive the market is going back up progressively; it’s all in discussion followed by action.  

 So what does this have to do with your marriage?  Well, the marriage market is similar to the housing market.  There are reports that the divorce rate is increasing and reports that it is decreasing.  However the rate is null and void to the way we need to be active participants in our marriages.

Some people speculate that divorce is more prevalent when:

Divorce is becoming an open forum in which many people willfully or unwillfully take part. Reasons for divorce are said to be:

  • Lack of commitment
  • Lack of positive interaction
  • Lack of communication
  • Lack of sex
  • Lack of real expectations

So when our home does not have enough equity in it to sell, we stay with it.  We know that the investment we made in the beginning and it has to  yield the proper return for us.  Why can’t we do this in marriages? Whether the housing market is up or down, if you are a home owner, you are a home owner. The housing market is boosted by the economy, which is a collective citizen task.  Your marriage is boosted by what takes place in the marriage, which is a collective couple task.

Eventually the marriage will return to the value it once was, we have to try to put in work.  Putting in the due diligence to make your marriage work will predict the end result.  We have to be patient and trust that the process marriage takes will yield happiness later, even during difficult times.

*Sometimes getting divorced is the healthiest decision for all parties involved.  I am not soliciting advice for your specific situation; I am just advising you to take time in making such a decision and seek counsel from professionals.

A Loving Person is a Healthy Person

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I continuously read articles and books about relationships.  Love relationships, specifically, seem to have something in common across local articles, such as the OC Register and popular relationship books like The Seven Principals for Making a Marriage Work by the Gottmans; they discuss how love helps us to live longer and healthier lives.  The notion is that: the immune system is affected by stress or arguing.  Couples that have less conflict tend to get sick less.

This concept makes sense when we discover that we are bound not only biologically to our immune systems but also psychologically and socially.

What this doesn’t mean is that you can blame the cold you had last week on your partner!  What it does mean is that stability in a relationship can be the beginning of good psyche and overall better health.  Once you get sick, your immune system is alerted and it tries to fight back.   When stress levels are high, our whole being (physically and mentally) has less fight left, including our immune system.  In regards to your relationship, prevention is the key.  Talking about issues and communicating can prevent arguments as well as sickness.

We were designed to give into certain biological responses.  Being in relationship with other people is natural.  Cultivating those relationships is not as natural, and it takes work from both parties. Remember these tips to increase the love you put out and the health benefit that it will put back into you:

1. Breath. Make sure you take deep breaths throughout the day or breath regularly to increase the overall calm that your body feels.  Sometimes we are not conscious to steady and regular breathing.  Controlled breathing can decrease anxiety.

2. Be aware of responses.  Our initial responses are often not the best ones.  When someone irritates us we are quick to anger.  Be aware of eliciting calm and peaceful responses. *This will take some work.  Remember that the only thing you can control is your reaction.

3. Love, Love, Love.  The articles I discussed before addressed being a caring and loving person as an important part of being healthy.  You can increase love feelings by evoking caring in your overall life.

Try being more in tune to your “love” self.

It’s Not You, It’s Me….

Posted on by misskjelstrom

In the relationship world, this tune plays out in real life and in the movies.  Someone might let you down by claiming all the responsibility and breaking up with you by letting you know that “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

But who is it really?  When it comes to whose fault it is that a relationship doesn’t work out, can any one party be to blame?

 

 

When any relationship ends, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, a small assessment is done.  The assessment takes place by talking to friends, looking back on old relationships, and by replaying what went right or wrong during the past few months leading up to the loss of friendship or break-up.  We try to find answers, but the truth is that sometimes those answers don’t exist.

We tend to think about all the bad things that happen when ending the relationship rather than having an objective idea of what the relationship looked like.  Both parties contributed to the ending of the relationship in some way.  It is important for you to be able to evaluate your contribution so you can be aware of it in future relationships.  Never try to assess or blame the other person’s contribution; this is when we get into trouble and make a bad situation worse.  Always use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

 

We live in a world filled with more break-ups and breakdowns than commitment. Working hard to mend a relationship or assertiveness to make one’s life better seem like daunting tasks.  We are too used to giving up being the new “norm.” I am not suggesting that you try to stay with someone who is abusive physically or mentally, but that you take the time to assess your life, your hang-ups, and your past to understand where it puts you in your relationships today.

It is easy for us to pass the buck and the blame onto someone else or to profess ourselves the blame to slip out of something.  Maybe in a world filled with easy outs, it is time that we went back to fighting for the health in our relationships. It is time that we seek out professional help to overcome the barriers that lead us to struggle in romantic relationships or friendships.

 

Are You in a Relationship Rut? Or just a Routine?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

A rut is defined as “a long deep track made by the repeated passages of the wheels of a vehicle.” A routine is defined as “a sequence of actions regularly followed.”

A relationship routine is agreed upon and followed by both parties.  A routine makes comfort and fun available to both parties.  Routines include positive features that make both parties feel good about the relationship.  Routines are kept up with and both partners take time to think about one another and do little things that they know would be meaningful to the other person.

A relationship rut  is created by one partner and followed by another. The pattern of repeated wear and tear begins to create tracks in the relationship.  In a rut there is conflict after conflict and no partner in the relationship is left feeling good.

couple-fighting-2

As a relationship leaves what we call the “honeymoon stage” both partners begin to feel less connected and more consumed with the “task” of keeping up with the relationship.  This is the biggest time when a relationship can get stuck in a rut.

In the beginning of the relationship, you wanted to pay more attention to what would make your partner smile and feel good, such as leaving a note.

Try these three steps if you feel you are in a relationship rut:

Step 1: Each day ask yourself what you can do for the other person?  Yes, each and every day.  That may be making dinner, helping with dinner, leaving a note, or holding the person and telling them how much you love them and care about them.  It can be as easy as a compliment or a romantic touch. Ask about their day, or engage in a conversation. These things remind us of the connections that we had early in the relationship.  If both partners actively ask that and act on it each day, the relationship will begin to flow smoothly.  It takes an active engagement in the relationship to change it.

Step 2: Positive, positive, positive.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.

Not, “I don’t like when you…..”  Try “I love it when you help with the dishes.”  Positive talk from both parties will create a positive environment that allows both partners to feel happy, cared for and loved.  Positive-in leads to positive-out.  There are times when you need to discuss certain undesirable characteristics to work through a rough patch, but talk about it then move on.  Don’t stay in blame or hurt for longer than you have to.

Step 3: Play around.  Try to do something spontaneous.  Be playful in your relationship.  Find what you have within you to create a playful relationship and environment.

Arguing Over Household Chores

Posted on by misskjelstrom

A recent article posted in the Telegraph  reports that couples spend about ten days a year arguing about household chores.  The article addresses common tiffs such as: leaving clothes around the house, not emptying the dishwasher, putting off home improvements, not taking out the trash, not making the bed, or leaving the toilet seat up.

The article outlines what we argue about and how much we argue, but what about solutions to these disputes?

First, you must know that you are not alone in domestic chore arguments.  Second, let’s discuss some alternatives to dealing with the issue, so you can spend less time on edge about you and your partners disagreements.

1. Work a cleaning person into the budget.  The arguments stem from everyday upkeep chores.  I am not talking about a maid, but a cleaning person; once a week or once every two weeks.   The scrubbing and “deep cleaning” will be done by the hired help, but  keeping up with the little things, such as taking out the trash or not leaving clothes lying around will take place routinely by the family members.  The deep cleaning that takes place inspires family members to keep up with the everyday chores.

2. Change the way you ask your partner to help.  Sometimes without being aware of it, we bark orders to our significant other rather than asking them if they could please help.  Use “I” statements such as; I could really use your help.  Or be encouraging; You are really great at making the bed. Or be thankful; Honey, thank you so much for putting the dishes away. 

 

3. Change the way you react.  Honestly, when you move in with your partner, you might have to get used to habits you aren’t happy with; try to find a medium.  You should discuss these things prior to cohabiting. (Hint: A good indication of how they will be in a shared habitat is how well they take care of their own apartment, home or even car.)

Overall, these arguments can be reduced.  Helping around the house is a learnt behavior just like arguing is also learned. Sometimes all we need to do is be teachable in our relationships to make them work.

 

Are You Mad at Me?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Are you mad at me, is the relationship equivalent to the kids yelling in the back of the car, are we there yet?  It is the annoying question that gets inserted when we are not sure what our partner is feeling.

For some reason, this phrase has become the go-two when we want to spark a conversation with how our significant other is feeling.  I would also venture to say that 90 percent of the time the answer is going to be “no”.  Even when the person is mad at you, literally, they will say no.  It feels like it is a trap.  It is confusing, for everyone.  The person asking the question is, more than likely, directing their feelings of inadequacy towards the other person.  Not inadequacy as a person, but inadequacy in communication.  As we partner together in relationships or marriages we go through a huge learning curve on what the other person is feeling.  Even after that curve has been met, we spend ample time getting to know the other person throughout the relationship.ips

So why even ask the question?  You are waiting for their tone and demeanor, not actually the answer to the question.  Try to wait and watch their tone and demeanor in normal conversation.  After you gather the appropriate amount of information and consider that they possibly are mad (or sad, upset, tired, preoccupied, or hundreds of other emotions that we as humans may feel), then maybe offer your listening and insert something like; Babe, how are you today?  How was work?  How was school?  All these questions provoke conversation; the person will begin to discuss the day with you and eventually some type of emotions will come out and they will also divulge who those emotions were directed at.

You are making a lot of assumptions when you even ask if a person is mad.  You are making a tremendous amount more when you insert: at me?  Of the many emotions that we can feel as humans and the thousands of people in our lives that we can feel them at; maybe we can corporately and consciously try to leave this phrase out of our relationships.

The alternative: 

In a relationship, we develop many words or actions that we only share with the other person.  It is the language that both parties make up all their own; may include sarcasm, baby talk, or funny somethings.  An example is ours (my boyfriend and me) became, “Are you sad at me?”  It was a funny way for us to develop our own way to talk to one another.  We understand that the phrase is not literal and we joke and talk between one another. Develop and alternative with your partner to replace the dreadful question, “Are You Mad at Me?”

Are You Too Preoccupied with Your Relationship Status?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Whether you are in a long-term relationship or marriage, are just dating, or are seeking out a relationship; a relationship status is something you might be concerned with.  To understand the application of this concept, let’s begin with a story.

I was listening to a woman chatting with a friend the other day.  It went something like this:

“Oh yeah, we broke up.  I don’t understand why, though?  I did everything for him.  I would make his lunch before he went to work.  I would do his laundry on occasion if it was lying around.  I would grab his favorite beer if I was at the market.  We would cook dinner and always watch his favorite sports team.  I just don’t understand?  But I am dating someone else.  He works at five a.m. usually, so I am going to go over to his place soon, so I can make his lunch and hang out with him before he goes to bed.”

I wanted so badly to intervene this conversation right then and there.  I wanted to scream out to her.  I wanted to tell her that she would find herself dumbed again in a couple of months, with no understanding of what she did wrong and why she can’t keep a man around.

Instead of imparting my unsolicited advice to a stranger, I will offer it here to anyone who would like to read it.  I call it PPS- Partner Preoccupation Syndrome.  A syndrome is defined as; a collection of signs and symptoms known to frequently appear together but without a known cause.  During Partner Preoccupation Syndrome, you are more preoccupied by taking care of your partner than taking care of yourself.  This syndrome is more commonly found in women than in men, but it can make a good relationship unbalance quickly.

The example above exhibits this. PPS is not contagious; it is actually the opposite.  Both partners can not have it at the same time, as it only affects one party; if there is equal share and collaboration in a relationship, we would not see this happen.  However, when a partner gets PPS they don’t really understand it.  If PPS goes on long enough in a specific relationship, the other party will probably break it off or walk away, simply because there is no challenge.  This is not the same as, ” They ask you to jump and you say how high.”  This is more subtle and most people do it without realizing.

PPS is easy to diagnose and treat.  If you have ever told a story similar to the one above, you probably have PPS.  If you have a good heart and a need to take care of people, try putting that energy into something else other than your partner.  Volunteer somewhere, help out your grandma, or establish a hobby or routine that does not involve doing something for your partner.  Do your own laundry.  Watch your favorite shows.  Stay at your place or clean only your house.

You will probably have to consciously think about stopping this pattern, but once you have trained yourself to not be too preoccupied with your partner; you may be able to free yourself from PPS.

Now, there is nothing wrong with taking care of your partner, but it becomes a problem when it is a pattern that includes multiple failed relationships as a result.

If you ever have this question of your extinguished relationships: I don’t know what I am doing wrong, maybe it is time to change that.

How to Break Up with Someone

Posted on by misskjelstrom

 

 

 

This is not a blog to encourage you to break up with your significant other.  Relationships, marriages, and partnerships take work; they give back to you as much as you are willing to invest in them.  Time and time again people break up early on because they are not communicating as they once did. They pass the honeymoon stage and they are unable to sustain a real relationship that comes with its, well simply put, reality.

 

 

Reality: 

Our new societal ideas of relationships and media can partially be to blame.  Via the bachelorette, of course out of 20 great looking, successful men you will find one to fall in love with on the beach in FIJI.  It’s like the real world: You leave a number of human beings in a house living together, add hormones and alcohol and someone is scientifically likely to hook up with someone.  Society has set up a way for us to glorify that relationships look like lavish vacations and fairy tale romances.  Unfortunately real life relationships look less and less like what is displayed socially and in media as time goes on.  This leaves people to have high expectations with no one to deliver those expectations.  This also shows how quickly we are to get into relationships that may not be right for us.

 

 

 

The How To:

 

 

This is not a sure-fire way to let someone go, but when it comes to breaking up with someone I have seen time and time again people struggling to do it without hurting any feelings or feeling guilty themselves.  Breaking up with someone is always going to cause a negative flux of emotions and unfortunately, there is no way to completely avoid the hurt of one or both of the partners. If you have children involved in this relationship, seek therapy to limit or avoid the impact that the break up will have on the children.

 

1. Do not just push away.  A lot of times, one partner will push away and begin to ignore someone who they once adored.  They lack the emotional intelligence to deal with the reactions of the other partner that has just been broken up with.  You took the time to secure the relationship, and you need to be adult about conducting a break up.

 

2. Do not blame the other person.  A break-up is easier with the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Gently tell the other person that you have obligations, work or school and that you are unable to take care of their needs and yours.  This keeps them off the defense and may help them to realize that you can not give them what they actually want.

 

3. Location, Location, Location.  A break up is better done in private.  If you are close to a friend or family member of theirs maybe you can make a quick call or text to make sure they will have someone to be with on that day.  You don’t have to tell their friend everything.  Do it at their house, this way you can gracefully leave after and let them grieve in a safe and familiar environment.

4. Grass is always greener.  After you break up with someone, you will possibly have feelings of regret.  This is normal and it is unfair for you to return to someone whom you do not want to be with.  You need to stick to your guns so more emotions aren’t arising after the break up.  You will need time to heal also as you may feel hurt and confused.  If you think you made the wrong decision, it is likely that you made the right one.  In time you will come to this realization.

 

 

 

 

 

Are Your Relationship Expectations Too High?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We all have different expectations in a relationship.  These expectations can come from different places.  A reasonable expectation is understood with two different components: one partner vocalizing their expectation and the other partner either being capable or not capable of meeting that expectation.  Early in a relationship, you learn what your partner is capable of.  They might not be able to cook or to build a tree house.  We learn this through interaction and communication.

Where can our Expectations Come From? 

  • They can be derived from pressures that were put on us as children or teens.
  • They may be a result of our ability to push and expect certain degrees of accomplishment for ourselves.
  • They can come from conversations we have had with our significant other about things they wish to accomplish in the future.

Expectations are normal; individuals that have higher drive and initiative might expect more of others.  However, there is a difference between reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations.  A great example is if you ask your significant other to change your headlight.  It is a reasonable expectation for you to ask if your partner can help you out. Your partner will then answer that they can or can not meet those expectations with a yes, I can change the headlight or no, I can not change the headlight.

If your partner says yes…

A yes yields that to be a reasonable expectation for your partner.  Your expectation is obtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.  They agree that it is obtainable and reasonable by agreeing that they can take care of it.

If your partner says no…

Now, if your partner vocalized that they are unable to meet this need, than you look for another route to accomplish this.  Your expectation is unobtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.

It is in these instances that we learn what our partner is capable of verses what they are not.  If you have a partner that teaches college for a living and is mainly a reader and writer, they may never be able to construct an addition to your home.  You learn what your partner is and is not capable of by getting to know them.

Unobtainable Expectations….

In the example above we are able to vocalize a need/expectation and see if our partner can meet them.  However, we can have expectations that are too high.  To use the headlight example: If you expect that your significant other will first notice the headlight problem themselves and change it: that can be seen as too high of an expectation.  Asking always gives us a chance to reflect on what our partner brings into the relationship.

Where the frustration lies…

Frustration comes up in a relationship when our expectations are not met.  If we understand these as reasonable expectations that our partner has agreed they can accomplish, but then these expectations are not met: we need to ask ourselves if we are in the right relationship.  Not having your needs and expectations met will cause constant bickering and unhappiness.

However, if your expectations are constantly too high or unobtainable then you need to asses how to adjust and meet those needs in other ways.  This way you will not take the undue frustration out on your partner.

Compromise vs. Collaboration in a Relationship

Posted on by misskjelstrom

What is the difference between compromise and collaboration in a relationship?  Is one better than the other?  Is there something we can do to make sure that we are not giving more than the other person in our relationship?

Thank you to Dr. Kyle Weir for sparking my interest on this subject.  The word compromise is heard over and over again when we are talking about couples learning how to cope with each other’s differences.  (I have also used it several times myself.)  It was a concept that not only made sense, but had something that it could be measured against: sacrifice.  But is sacrifice really something that we want to do in a relationship?  The dictionary definition states that each side is making a concession.  That sounds easy.  Except for when you have two people inside of a relationship that are unwilling to budge on a matter and just want the other side to give in.

Humans are passionate when it comes to opinions.  Two people working towards a life together are going to come across a lot of them.  Compromise is something that is needed, but it is also something that assumes one partner will give in.  Collaboration on the other hand is working together towards a common goal.  Collaboration supposes that you already have the same goal in mind.  In a relationship, you should have similar or same goals in mind.  These goals include: what the future looks like and what passions you both have as individuals that you can work together towards in the relationship. In this journey, one partner may make compromises for the other, and then when the time comes the positions need to flip-flop.  You should never be the only person to compromise in the relationship.  During these times of compromise you should be collaborating towards the goal.

 

For example: if you have been offered a new job, your partner may have to compromise to move with you to keep the relationship going.  However, you will both have to collaborate about what this means for the other partners’ job or schooling.  A compromise can not take place unless you have discussed what that looks like.

 

At the beginning of a relationship, a couple tends to be directed towards either compromise or collaboration.  Too much of one person giving in at the beginning of the relationship can be a red flag that collaboration will not be part of the relationship.  A collaborative person will be present to work towards the relationship and making sure it is successful and happy.  These are items that we can asses early on in a relationship to understand our partner’s and our own investment in the relationship.

A relationship build on compromise (even though we have to make them at times) will not last, but a relationship build on collaboration will be able to stand difficulties and trials.