Tag Archives: dating

Refuse or Forgive After Infidelity

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We are quick to blame one party when our partners stray and meet someone outside of the relationship.  But what about, “It takes two to tango?”  I am not suggesting that you blame one party or the other, but I am suggesting that you give them equal responsibility or equal forgiveness.  Example- You are back with the guy who cheated on you, but you refuse to talk to the girl that he cheated on you with.  Maybe it is time to refuse to talk to both of them.  Or maybe it is time to forgive both of them. 

My suggestion is that if you are continuing the relationship with your partner and trying to resolve a time of infidelity, that you forgive both parties.  Letting go of that past can be the best thing to get you and your partner to move on to a successful future.  Moving on with your partner through a time of infidelity can be a very difficult task.  However if you are refusing to forgive your partner or the situation, the best thing you can do is get out of the situation.  If you are ruminating about the infidelity, the act of the cheating, or the parties involved, and are unable to stop your bad thoughts it is time to move on.  You can not continue to analyze why this went on.  Some situations in life just don’t make any sense and you will never be able to make sense of them.

Here are some quick suggestions to move on from this difficult situation:

  • Take care of yourself.  Get back into a happy hobby.  Hang out with friends.
  • Don’t disclose your personal life.  In the times of Facebook Status, it may be easy to bash your unfaithful partner via web, but I suggest against that.
  • Don’t listen to unsolicited advice.  Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and should not do in a situation of infidelity.  You need friends who give you support rather than judgement.
  • Forgive everyone involved.  Forgive your partner, the other party, and yourself.  You might even have to take some responsibility in order to forgive yourself.
  • Couples therapy.  It might be good to have a neutral third-party to help you get through set-backs of the relationship and move forward.  You will be able to talk honestly about your feelings in a safe environment.

It’s Not You, It’s Me….

Posted on by misskjelstrom

In the relationship world, this tune plays out in real life and in the movies.  Someone might let you down by claiming all the responsibility and breaking up with you by letting you know that “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 

But who is it really?  When it comes to whose fault it is that a relationship doesn’t work out, can any one party be to blame?

 

 

When any relationship ends, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, a small assessment is done.  The assessment takes place by talking to friends, looking back on old relationships, and by replaying what went right or wrong during the past few months leading up to the loss of friendship or break-up.  We try to find answers, but the truth is that sometimes those answers don’t exist.

We tend to think about all the bad things that happen when ending the relationship rather than having an objective idea of what the relationship looked like.  Both parties contributed to the ending of the relationship in some way.  It is important for you to be able to evaluate your contribution so you can be aware of it in future relationships.  Never try to assess or blame the other person’s contribution; this is when we get into trouble and make a bad situation worse.  Always use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

 

 

We live in a world filled with more break-ups and breakdowns than commitment. Working hard to mend a relationship or assertiveness to make one’s life better seem like daunting tasks.  We are too used to giving up being the new “norm.” I am not suggesting that you try to stay with someone who is abusive physically or mentally, but that you take the time to assess your life, your hang-ups, and your past to understand where it puts you in your relationships today.

It is easy for us to pass the buck and the blame onto someone else or to profess ourselves the blame to slip out of something.  Maybe in a world filled with easy outs, it is time that we went back to fighting for the health in our relationships. It is time that we seek out professional help to overcome the barriers that lead us to struggle in romantic relationships or friendships.

 

The Ugly Truth About Your Fling

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The truth about your fling is that when you first begin seeing them, they are everything you hope to find in a partner.  This person is sweet, they spend time with you, they make it a point to take you out, and they even woo over some of your friends.  They talk to you about their dreams and their future, which makes them even more irresistible.

Months later when the DTR talk comes up, there is no exclusive relationship in the near future.  Then you start seeing things such as; their pictures on Facebook tend to involve random multiple people of the opposite sex or maybe too much boozing in one night.  Texts happen a lot more after 11 p.m. and their idea of taking you out now is you driving an hour to go to their place.  They might talk to you about committing, but their actions are inconsistent with that.

The ugly truth about your fling is that their inconsistencies might be confusing you. Their inconsistencies might even lead you to pronounce to your friends that you won’t be seeing them again.  The hard truth about this is that your well-being hangs in the balance of your ability to walk away from this person.

Maybe you are able to find peace in the “fling” type of relationship.  You may both be in the relationship just for fun and have no intention of getting seriously romantically involved with one another.  However, the hard truth is typically that one party is going to get hurt.  The even harder truth is that if you have read this far into this blog, that person is probably you.

The ugliest truth about your fling is what it means about you.  Why are you willing to keep hanging on to someone who isn’t giving you their all?  A wise friend once told me that relationships are not black and white.  I agree that relationships can have many gray areas.

The rule of thumb is that if the other party is unwilling to connect with the level of commitment that you need, you will end up on the losing end.  Remember that you are likely to see their inconsistencies anyways, so maybe it’s time to throw this fling back into the single sea.

Are You in a Relationship Rut? Or just a Routine?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

A rut is defined as “a long deep track made by the repeated passages of the wheels of a vehicle.” A routine is defined as “a sequence of actions regularly followed.”

A relationship routine is agreed upon and followed by both parties.  A routine makes comfort and fun available to both parties.  Routines include positive features that make both parties feel good about the relationship.  Routines are kept up with and both partners take time to think about one another and do little things that they know would be meaningful to the other person.

A relationship rut  is created by one partner and followed by another. The pattern of repeated wear and tear begins to create tracks in the relationship.  In a rut there is conflict after conflict and no partner in the relationship is left feeling good.

couple-fighting-2

As a relationship leaves what we call the “honeymoon stage” both partners begin to feel less connected and more consumed with the “task” of keeping up with the relationship.  This is the biggest time when a relationship can get stuck in a rut.

In the beginning of the relationship, you wanted to pay more attention to what would make your partner smile and feel good, such as leaving a note.

Try these three steps if you feel you are in a relationship rut:

Step 1: Each day ask yourself what you can do for the other person?  Yes, each and every day.  That may be making dinner, helping with dinner, leaving a note, or holding the person and telling them how much you love them and care about them.  It can be as easy as a compliment or a romantic touch. Ask about their day, or engage in a conversation. These things remind us of the connections that we had early in the relationship.  If both partners actively ask that and act on it each day, the relationship will begin to flow smoothly.  It takes an active engagement in the relationship to change it.

Step 2: Positive, positive, positive.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.

Not, “I don’t like when you…..”  Try “I love it when you help with the dishes.”  Positive talk from both parties will create a positive environment that allows both partners to feel happy, cared for and loved.  Positive-in leads to positive-out.  There are times when you need to discuss certain undesirable characteristics to work through a rough patch, but talk about it then move on.  Don’t stay in blame or hurt for longer than you have to.

Step 3: Play around.  Try to do something spontaneous.  Be playful in your relationship.  Find what you have within you to create a playful relationship and environment.

Why You Aren’t Meeting Mr or Mrs Right or Wrong

Posted on by misskjelstrom

People sometimes use the phrase, “Why you aren’t meeting Mr.Right.”  I don’t necessarily like that phrase because even if you are out meeting people in the dating pool, you are the only person who gets to decide if they are right or wrong.  It is about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right for You.  And if we are being completely honest, you may have thought previous people who you dated were right for you the moment you met them.  As the relationship goes on you begin to learn more about yourself and that other person.  They might turn into Mr. or Mrs. Wrong for you.  No one is objectively wrong or right, when we get into relationships we learn if we can stay together.

This article is not about whether a specific person is right or wrong for you.  It is an article about why you may not be meeting anyone.  In today’s culture of social media and technology, it is not often that we interact with other people as much as we used to.  We don’t have to go into stores to pay our bills, because we can pay them on the internet.  We don’t have to deposit in banks with direct deposit and bank apps.  Online shopping allows us to spend less time as outside consumers, and you can even have your groceries delivered.  Social sites like Facebook and Twitter keep us from connecting with other people conversationally.  Technology is great for briefly catching up on the latest news, but not so great for your dating life.

What Can You Do

It might be that you see the same 20 people over and over again if you work for a smaller company.  Even if you work for a large company, it is likely that you only see people from the same department.  Think about if you leave the house (from a car in the garage)  and drive to work.  Then after the day at work, you get into the car and drive home to make yourself dinner and watch the latest episode of your favorite show.  You have only interacted with those same 20 people from work that day.  You have met zero people that day; which gives you zero chances to meet a potential partner.

Now, if you take public transit or grab a friend to go out to lunch, or go to a place to eat after work; you have just given yourself 1-3 opportunities in just one day to meet someone.  That means that out of the 52 weeks in that year, you can give yourself 260-780 instances in which you can meet a partner.

Or Try These

  • Change up your routine.  Go to different grocery store or work out at different times. The same people at the gym at 5 pm present the same dating opportunities.  Mix it up to see what the gym holds early morning or what shopping late at night might offer you.
  • Forgo technology.  Go to the bank, shop at the store, and even leave your phone in your pocket in public.  You are unapproachable when you are walking and texting at the same time.  Every time you can immerse yourself in people gives you more and more opportunities to meet someone.
  • Take a class.  Not in school anymore?  Take a class; and make sure the ratio is to your benefit.  Women take a welding or building class, men try for cooking or pottery.  Sounds ridiculous, but you might be the only female in a room of 20 men; half of which statistically will be single.
  • Move from the small town.  Do you live in a town where “everybody knows your name” ? If you want to branch out and meet people, maybe the small town  isn’t for you.  If you don’t want to move, traveling 45 minutes to an hour can give you new scenery including new potential dating partners.
  • Stop locking and dropping.  This is locking yourself into a dating situation where the other person is waiting to meet someone else before they drop you.  If you are locked into dating one person who just isn’t real or serious about the relationship, it is time to remove him or her from your dating life.
  • Boys and Girls can be friends.  Yes they can be, but hanging out with the opposite sex all the time will make it impossible for other people to know you are available, even if your Facebook status reads “single.”  Remember that no one can read your profile when they are having a conversation with you.

You have many opportunities to meet potential partners but you may first have to embrace some change and commit to meeting new people.

Are You Mad at Me?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Are you mad at me, is the relationship equivalent to the kids yelling in the back of the car, are we there yet?  It is the annoying question that gets inserted when we are not sure what our partner is feeling.

For some reason, this phrase has become the go-two when we want to spark a conversation with how our significant other is feeling.  I would also venture to say that 90 percent of the time the answer is going to be “no”.  Even when the person is mad at you, literally, they will say no.  It feels like it is a trap.  It is confusing, for everyone.  The person asking the question is, more than likely, directing their feelings of inadequacy towards the other person.  Not inadequacy as a person, but inadequacy in communication.  As we partner together in relationships or marriages we go through a huge learning curve on what the other person is feeling.  Even after that curve has been met, we spend ample time getting to know the other person throughout the relationship.ips

So why even ask the question?  You are waiting for their tone and demeanor, not actually the answer to the question.  Try to wait and watch their tone and demeanor in normal conversation.  After you gather the appropriate amount of information and consider that they possibly are mad (or sad, upset, tired, preoccupied, or hundreds of other emotions that we as humans may feel), then maybe offer your listening and insert something like; Babe, how are you today?  How was work?  How was school?  All these questions provoke conversation; the person will begin to discuss the day with you and eventually some type of emotions will come out and they will also divulge who those emotions were directed at.

You are making a lot of assumptions when you even ask if a person is mad.  You are making a tremendous amount more when you insert: at me?  Of the many emotions that we can feel as humans and the thousands of people in our lives that we can feel them at; maybe we can corporately and consciously try to leave this phrase out of our relationships.

The alternative: 

In a relationship, we develop many words or actions that we only share with the other person.  It is the language that both parties make up all their own; may include sarcasm, baby talk, or funny somethings.  An example is ours (my boyfriend and me) became, “Are you sad at me?”  It was a funny way for us to develop our own way to talk to one another.  We understand that the phrase is not literal and we joke and talk between one another. Develop and alternative with your partner to replace the dreadful question, “Are You Mad at Me?”

Are You Too Preoccupied with Your Relationship Status?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Whether you are in a long-term relationship or marriage, are just dating, or are seeking out a relationship; a relationship status is something you might be concerned with.  To understand the application of this concept, let’s begin with a story.

I was listening to a woman chatting with a friend the other day.  It went something like this:

“Oh yeah, we broke up.  I don’t understand why, though?  I did everything for him.  I would make his lunch before he went to work.  I would do his laundry on occasion if it was lying around.  I would grab his favorite beer if I was at the market.  We would cook dinner and always watch his favorite sports team.  I just don’t understand?  But I am dating someone else.  He works at five a.m. usually, so I am going to go over to his place soon, so I can make his lunch and hang out with him before he goes to bed.”

I wanted so badly to intervene this conversation right then and there.  I wanted to scream out to her.  I wanted to tell her that she would find herself dumbed again in a couple of months, with no understanding of what she did wrong and why she can’t keep a man around.

Instead of imparting my unsolicited advice to a stranger, I will offer it here to anyone who would like to read it.  I call it PPS- Partner Preoccupation Syndrome.  A syndrome is defined as; a collection of signs and symptoms known to frequently appear together but without a known cause.  During Partner Preoccupation Syndrome, you are more preoccupied by taking care of your partner than taking care of yourself.  This syndrome is more commonly found in women than in men, but it can make a good relationship unbalance quickly.

The example above exhibits this. PPS is not contagious; it is actually the opposite.  Both partners can not have it at the same time, as it only affects one party; if there is equal share and collaboration in a relationship, we would not see this happen.  However, when a partner gets PPS they don’t really understand it.  If PPS goes on long enough in a specific relationship, the other party will probably break it off or walk away, simply because there is no challenge.  This is not the same as, ” They ask you to jump and you say how high.”  This is more subtle and most people do it without realizing.

PPS is easy to diagnose and treat.  If you have ever told a story similar to the one above, you probably have PPS.  If you have a good heart and a need to take care of people, try putting that energy into something else other than your partner.  Volunteer somewhere, help out your grandma, or establish a hobby or routine that does not involve doing something for your partner.  Do your own laundry.  Watch your favorite shows.  Stay at your place or clean only your house.

You will probably have to consciously think about stopping this pattern, but once you have trained yourself to not be too preoccupied with your partner; you may be able to free yourself from PPS.

Now, there is nothing wrong with taking care of your partner, but it becomes a problem when it is a pattern that includes multiple failed relationships as a result.

If you ever have this question of your extinguished relationships: I don’t know what I am doing wrong, maybe it is time to change that.

How to Break Up with Someone

Posted on by misskjelstrom

 

 

 

This is not a blog to encourage you to break up with your significant other.  Relationships, marriages, and partnerships take work; they give back to you as much as you are willing to invest in them.  Time and time again people break up early on because they are not communicating as they once did. They pass the honeymoon stage and they are unable to sustain a real relationship that comes with its, well simply put, reality.

 

 

Reality: 

Our new societal ideas of relationships and media can partially be to blame.  Via the bachelorette, of course out of 20 great looking, successful men you will find one to fall in love with on the beach in FIJI.  It’s like the real world: You leave a number of human beings in a house living together, add hormones and alcohol and someone is scientifically likely to hook up with someone.  Society has set up a way for us to glorify that relationships look like lavish vacations and fairy tale romances.  Unfortunately real life relationships look less and less like what is displayed socially and in media as time goes on.  This leaves people to have high expectations with no one to deliver those expectations.  This also shows how quickly we are to get into relationships that may not be right for us.

 

 

 

The How To:

 

 

This is not a sure-fire way to let someone go, but when it comes to breaking up with someone I have seen time and time again people struggling to do it without hurting any feelings or feeling guilty themselves.  Breaking up with someone is always going to cause a negative flux of emotions and unfortunately, there is no way to completely avoid the hurt of one or both of the partners. If you have children involved in this relationship, seek therapy to limit or avoid the impact that the break up will have on the children.

 

1. Do not just push away.  A lot of times, one partner will push away and begin to ignore someone who they once adored.  They lack the emotional intelligence to deal with the reactions of the other partner that has just been broken up with.  You took the time to secure the relationship, and you need to be adult about conducting a break up.

 

2. Do not blame the other person.  A break-up is easier with the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Gently tell the other person that you have obligations, work or school and that you are unable to take care of their needs and yours.  This keeps them off the defense and may help them to realize that you can not give them what they actually want.

 

3. Location, Location, Location.  A break up is better done in private.  If you are close to a friend or family member of theirs maybe you can make a quick call or text to make sure they will have someone to be with on that day.  You don’t have to tell their friend everything.  Do it at their house, this way you can gracefully leave after and let them grieve in a safe and familiar environment.

4. Grass is always greener.  After you break up with someone, you will possibly have feelings of regret.  This is normal and it is unfair for you to return to someone whom you do not want to be with.  You need to stick to your guns so more emotions aren’t arising after the break up.  You will need time to heal also as you may feel hurt and confused.  If you think you made the wrong decision, it is likely that you made the right one.  In time you will come to this realization.

 

 

 

 

 

An Argument about Brownies…. Or is it?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I understand that as a professional using my own experiences is not always the best practice.  However, I insert personal stories when I feel that they will benefit the readers.  The irony of this story, is just too good to leave out.

Let me start from the beginning.  I was in Oakland, CA for a CAMFT conference recently.  I took some seminars on couple’s therapy, and had a wonderful time getting to know some of my cohorts.  As we traveled home I felt a sense of excitement about what I learned.  A book called Breaking the Argument Cycle, How to Stop Fighting without Therapy was the topic one seminar.  The author of the book, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A, M.F.T, kept our attention as she gracefully told us her personal story and the impact of her professional therapy practice.

 

Later that week, I went over to my boyfriends’ house.  There on the table were individually cut, baked, and a nicely organized pan of brownies for my boyfriend to take to the pot-luck at work the next day.  My initial reaction was, “Who baked the brownies!?”  He answered with, “I did.”

Then we were off; I was insisting that his mother or sister had to have made them, and he was standing his ground that he had made them and “Why did I have to be so rude?”

 

We went on for a long time, fighting about brownies?  Oh wow! I had just found myself in the same situation that the author of the book above had discussed.  An argument about brownies seemed like such a silly thing.  But what does it really mean?

 

Sometimes we are not fighting about what we seem to be fighting about.  Most of the time we are fighting about something much deeper.  Most of the problems exist in our relationships are a pattern of how we grew up or our past relationships.

 

During an argument, we have an initially feeling that arises from the situation.  Maybe I felt distrust/doubt about him making the brownies.  Maybe he felt hurt/criticized.  The root of our discussion probably had nothing to do with the brownies and more about the feelings that the brownies brought up. Even more importantly is how we dealt with those feelings.

 

Reading the book and trying to understand your own personal hang-ups when it comes to relationships can help you to better understand where your reactions or arguments may stem from.  Once you understand where they stem from, you might begin to adjust your reactions.  This will take a great amount of time and work.

In the end it will be worth eliminating the main reason for the arguments and leave the brownies for eating.

 

 

 

Are Your Relationship Expectations Too High?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We all have different expectations in a relationship.  These expectations can come from different places.  A reasonable expectation is understood with two different components: one partner vocalizing their expectation and the other partner either being capable or not capable of meeting that expectation.  Early in a relationship, you learn what your partner is capable of.  They might not be able to cook or to build a tree house.  We learn this through interaction and communication.

Where can our Expectations Come From? 

  • They can be derived from pressures that were put on us as children or teens.
  • They may be a result of our ability to push and expect certain degrees of accomplishment for ourselves.
  • They can come from conversations we have had with our significant other about things they wish to accomplish in the future.

Expectations are normal; individuals that have higher drive and initiative might expect more of others.  However, there is a difference between reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations.  A great example is if you ask your significant other to change your headlight.  It is a reasonable expectation for you to ask if your partner can help you out. Your partner will then answer that they can or can not meet those expectations with a yes, I can change the headlight or no, I can not change the headlight.

If your partner says yes…

A yes yields that to be a reasonable expectation for your partner.  Your expectation is obtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.  They agree that it is obtainable and reasonable by agreeing that they can take care of it.

If your partner says no…

Now, if your partner vocalized that they are unable to meet this need, than you look for another route to accomplish this.  Your expectation is unobtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.

It is in these instances that we learn what our partner is capable of verses what they are not.  If you have a partner that teaches college for a living and is mainly a reader and writer, they may never be able to construct an addition to your home.  You learn what your partner is and is not capable of by getting to know them.

Unobtainable Expectations….

In the example above we are able to vocalize a need/expectation and see if our partner can meet them.  However, we can have expectations that are too high.  To use the headlight example: If you expect that your significant other will first notice the headlight problem themselves and change it: that can be seen as too high of an expectation.  Asking always gives us a chance to reflect on what our partner brings into the relationship.

Where the frustration lies…

Frustration comes up in a relationship when our expectations are not met.  If we understand these as reasonable expectations that our partner has agreed they can accomplish, but then these expectations are not met: we need to ask ourselves if we are in the right relationship.  Not having your needs and expectations met will cause constant bickering and unhappiness.

However, if your expectations are constantly too high or unobtainable then you need to asses how to adjust and meet those needs in other ways.  This way you will not take the undue frustration out on your partner.