Tag Archives: relationships

Your Biggest Relationship Asset

Posted on by misskjelstrom

What do you think your biggest relationship asset is?  Let me give you some hints:

It is not your looks, as sexy as you may be.  It is not your job, or your money, it is not your large house or the metals you won in sports; it is not how you romance someone.

 

The biggest asset in securing a relationship and keeping it is your attitude.  Your attitude is something that, whether you like it or not, is going to come out at your best times and your worst times. Your attitude includes the way you evaluate yourself and the outside world around you. It makes you judge and perceive situations and people.  But it also gives people insight on your personality.  Your attitude will allow your partner to see how you engage in certain situations and with certain people.

 

Here is a list of unattractive attitudes:

- Bad attitude.  Who wants to be around Pouty Pat or Sassy Sarah all the time? No one does!

- Entitlement attitude.   The reality is that your entitlement attitude might get you through your teens and even college, but it will not help you secure a spouse.

- Inflexible attitude.  Exceptions are important in life.  A black and white view of the world will only hinder your attitude.

- Selfish attitude. Being giving shows your ability to love.  If you are too busy keeping things all to yourself, sharing your life with someone will be difficult.

Your attitude will motivate you or make you fearful.  Your biggest relationship asset is part of your personality, but it is the part of your personality that can be altered.  Your attitude can change, but you have to work on aspects of your life in order to begin to change it.

Here are some attitudes you should adopt: hopeful, optimistic, playful, grateful, cheerful, open, and confident.

Here is how to work toward those promising attitudes:

Change your Expectations:  If you want others or yourself to meet too high of expectations, you will always be disappointed which will fuel a bad attitude.  Lower your expectations and make them more reasonable, this way you and others will be able to meet those expectations.

See the Glass Half Full:  Change the way you look at things.  Try to find the good in people, events, work and relationships.  This will help shape your attitude for the better.

Your Friends:  Make sure you have optimistic people surrounding you.  Our attitudes brush off on one another.  Being around people who have good attitudes will allow you to create one too!

Refuse or Forgive After Infidelity

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We are quick to blame one party when our partners stray and meet someone outside of the relationship.  But what about, “It takes two to tango?”  I am not suggesting that you blame one party or the other, but I am suggesting that you give them equal responsibility or equal forgiveness.  Example- You are back with the guy who cheated on you, but you refuse to talk to the girl that he cheated on you with.  Maybe it is time to refuse to talk to both of them.  Or maybe it is time to forgive both of them. 

My suggestion is that if you are continuing the relationship with your partner and trying to resolve a time of infidelity, that you forgive both parties.  Letting go of that past can be the best thing to get you and your partner to move on to a successful future.  Moving on with your partner through a time of infidelity can be a very difficult task.  However if you are refusing to forgive your partner or the situation, the best thing you can do is get out of the situation.  If you are ruminating about the infidelity, the act of the cheating, or the parties involved, and are unable to stop your bad thoughts it is time to move on.  You can not continue to analyze why this went on.  Some situations in life just don’t make any sense and you will never be able to make sense of them.

Here are some quick suggestions to move on from this difficult situation:

  • Take care of yourself.  Get back into a happy hobby.  Hang out with friends.
  • Don’t disclose your personal life.  In the times of Facebook Status, it may be easy to bash your unfaithful partner via web, but I suggest against that.
  • Don’t listen to unsolicited advice.  Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and should not do in a situation of infidelity.  You need friends who give you support rather than judgement.
  • Forgive everyone involved.  Forgive your partner, the other party, and yourself.  You might even have to take some responsibility in order to forgive yourself.
  • Couples therapy.  It might be good to have a neutral third-party to help you get through set-backs of the relationship and move forward.  You will be able to talk honestly about your feelings in a safe environment.

What To Expect When You Miscarry

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Pregnancy can be a joy that many people want to experience in life. We family plan and purchase books such as What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  We share the moments with our close friends and family when we first see a plus sign on the pregnancy test.  However, we are also a society that is more likely to share in the joys than to discuss the complications that pregnancy can have in the first trimester.  So what can we expect when we miscarry?

There is a statistic that 30 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I don’t tell you this to scare you or make you worry.  This is shared to let you know that you are not alone if you have experienced a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy.  There is a misconception that a miscarriage is just the expelling of an unhealthy pregnancy.  Although that may hold true for a biological/medical standpoint, that does not make the process of a miscarriage any easier.

Sometimes our bodies tell us things and our heart doesn’t agree.  Having a miscarriage can bring many types of grief.

  •  Personal grief (emotional and physical)
  • Relational grief (stress in our marriage or relationship)
  • Social grief (anger or confusion directed towards women/families who have conceived)
  • Unknown grief (not knowing what to do next in our lives)

A miscarriage is a loss.  It is just as much a loss as loosing a loved one.  The person experiencing the miscarriage can not be pushed to “get over it.”  There is a process that grief takes and needs; it looks different for everyone.  No one can know your personal grief, but be assured that it is a process for everyone.  Trust in your faith or spirituality and do what feels right to you.

When you have a miscarriage you lose not only an unborn child, but you lose the ideals that you had about a family.  You lose the joy of pregnancy.  Your body will also experience a physical loss knowing that the termination of the pregnancy was immature.  The body, person, and soul all grieve.

It may feel like everyone has a happy life with a baby, but that is not the case.  It is normal to feel that way.   Grieve as you need to grieve, allow yourself time, and give yourself lots of grace.  You are not alone.

What Children Need to See from Relationships

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Children have a tendency to see things, even when we think they aren’t paying attention or that they don’t have the cognitive ability to figure it out.   An example is, when children are in the room while we speak with other adults, the tendency is to  s-p-e-l-l  o-u-t a word because we don’t want the child to hear it.

“It is time for Timmy to take an N-A-P.”  Eventually the child learns the word you are spelling or they will have the ability to understand that N-A-P has an action associated with it that places them in their bed.

What this means is that children understand much more than we think they do.  From the very beginning they are mirroring what they see us do.  Mirroring is done when one person copies the action of another person during social interaction.  Children mirror the adults and peers they are in contact with on a regular basis; they may learn behaviors such as  work ethic, eating habits, and even relationship patterns.

In this blog we will focus on what children need to see from our romantic relationships with one another.  What are the best ways for us to set up positive mirroring in the lives of our children?

What specifically do children need to see in our relationships with our spouses or partners?

A boy should see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother’s needs.  The young man should see that father (or a father-figure) can make mistakes and continue to love himself.  The young boy must witness his mother (or a mother-figure) being forgiving to the father.  He must witness each partner forgiving and each partner admitting when they are wrong.

A girl needs to see her mother openly receive love.  It is important for the mother to help the young woman see what positive and healthy self-awareness and self-esteem look like. The young woman should see that her mother (or mother-figure) can be confident in herself, and supportive of other females.  She must witness her mother knowing and loving herself, while having a shared identity with the father.  Seeing stability in relationships is huge for young women developing and learning how to love themselves.

There is a healthy balance that children need to see.  Too much domination of one partner in the relationship can give children the wrong idea about what “healthy” relationships look like.  We mirror our parents, siblings, and peers from a very young age.

It is important that we also allow ourselves to make mistakes, because no one can be perfect.  Try to remember these strategies when children are in the home:

  1. Have parental discussions in private, maybe when out at a quiet dinner alone or when spending a quiet evening at home without the kids.
  2. An argument may ensue that was unintentional; if a fight begins in front of the kids- we need to pause.
  3. Gather your emotions through quiet counting or deep breathing.
  4. Whether the child hears some of our argument begin or is just with us during the “feeling” of  a certain emotion, children know something is wrong.  We don’t need to give them full details, but talk to them about what happen.
  5. Make sure the talk is age-appropriate and includes why mom and dad acted in the fashion they did and what mom and dad learned about the situation.

Healthy relationships help our children to learn good relationship habits.   When it comes to patterns and emotions they will learn to mirror what we put out.  Allow yourself grace to make mistakes, humility to admit when you are wrong, and to harbor love and understanding to our partners in front of our children.

The Ugly Truth About Your Fling

Posted on by misskjelstrom

The truth about your fling is that when you first begin seeing them, they are everything you hope to find in a partner.  This person is sweet, they spend time with you, they make it a point to take you out, and they even woo over some of your friends.  They talk to you about their dreams and their future, which makes them even more irresistible.

Months later when the DTR talk comes up, there is no exclusive relationship in the near future.  Then you start seeing things such as; their pictures on Facebook tend to involve random multiple people of the opposite sex or maybe too much boozing in one night.  Texts happen a lot more after 11 p.m. and their idea of taking you out now is you driving an hour to go to their place.  They might talk to you about committing, but their actions are inconsistent with that.

The ugly truth about your fling is that their inconsistencies might be confusing you. Their inconsistencies might even lead you to pronounce to your friends that you won’t be seeing them again.  The hard truth about this is that your well-being hangs in the balance of your ability to walk away from this person.

Maybe you are able to find peace in the “fling” type of relationship.  You may both be in the relationship just for fun and have no intention of getting seriously romantically involved with one another.  However, the hard truth is typically that one party is going to get hurt.  The even harder truth is that if you have read this far into this blog, that person is probably you.

The ugliest truth about your fling is what it means about you.  Why are you willing to keep hanging on to someone who isn’t giving you their all?  A wise friend once told me that relationships are not black and white.  I agree that relationships can have many gray areas.

The rule of thumb is that if the other party is unwilling to connect with the level of commitment that you need, you will end up on the losing end.  Remember that you are likely to see their inconsistencies anyways, so maybe it’s time to throw this fling back into the single sea.

Will You Accept this Rose? Breaking down the Bachelor and Bachelorette

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Will you accept this rose?  If you are not familiar with that question, maybe you have not seen the ABC shows The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are American reality television shows that place a male (bachelor) or a female (bachelorette) in the mix of 25 members of the opposite sex to find “true love.”  The show is hosted by Chris Harrison who offers support as the main character wrestles with final decisions on who to send home each week.

This show has some ups and downs, but overall there are people whose feelings will be hurt, whose hearts might be broken, or who’s true colors will come out in a house full of women battling over the same suitor.

This season we take a walk with Sean as he looks for a future mate by the end of the season.  Sean, along with 24 other men, was a contestant of the last season of the Bachelorette, trying to win over Emily’s love.  Sean was in the final three on Emily’s season and was sent home with a broken heart.  He was asked to appear on his own season and seems to be well up for the challenge.

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Tonight, Monday January 28th, Sean will approach week 4 with 16 women left.  You can watch as the women in the house interact with one another, and as Sean chooses the women that he wants to spend another week with.

The premise of this show is interesting; especially to watch from a psychological perspective.  When you put one suitor in a house that is in search of love, and give them a reasonable or large number of people to choose from, they are bound to find love during the show.  If someone told you that as a single man, you were going to be in a house with even six beautiful women who are also looking for love; likely that you will leave the house with one of those women.  The true test is once you get out into the reality of your lives, if you stay together.

It is after the show that we see these relationships end most of the time.  According to a report by Wetpaint entertainment news and gossip, only 3 of 24 couples matched on the show are still together.  These statistics make it apparent that reality tv shows make it impossible for us to have real expectations of relationships, dates, and mates.

We watch these seasons unfold as the couples are taken on elaborate dates, flown to exotic locations, and even have confetti thrown on them as they kiss.  It is important that we don’t let reality shows on love skew our image of the hard work, dedication, and collaboration it takes to make a relationship survive.

Why You Aren’t Meeting Mr or Mrs Right or Wrong

Posted on by misskjelstrom

People sometimes use the phrase, “Why you aren’t meeting Mr.Right.”  I don’t necessarily like that phrase because even if you are out meeting people in the dating pool, you are the only person who gets to decide if they are right or wrong.  It is about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right for You.  And if we are being completely honest, you may have thought previous people who you dated were right for you the moment you met them.  As the relationship goes on you begin to learn more about yourself and that other person.  They might turn into Mr. or Mrs. Wrong for you.  No one is objectively wrong or right, when we get into relationships we learn if we can stay together.

This article is not about whether a specific person is right or wrong for you.  It is an article about why you may not be meeting anyone.  In today’s culture of social media and technology, it is not often that we interact with other people as much as we used to.  We don’t have to go into stores to pay our bills, because we can pay them on the internet.  We don’t have to deposit in banks with direct deposit and bank apps.  Online shopping allows us to spend less time as outside consumers, and you can even have your groceries delivered.  Social sites like Facebook and Twitter keep us from connecting with other people conversationally.  Technology is great for briefly catching up on the latest news, but not so great for your dating life.

What Can You Do

It might be that you see the same 20 people over and over again if you work for a smaller company.  Even if you work for a large company, it is likely that you only see people from the same department.  Think about if you leave the house (from a car in the garage)  and drive to work.  Then after the day at work, you get into the car and drive home to make yourself dinner and watch the latest episode of your favorite show.  You have only interacted with those same 20 people from work that day.  You have met zero people that day; which gives you zero chances to meet a potential partner.

Now, if you take public transit or grab a friend to go out to lunch, or go to a place to eat after work; you have just given yourself 1-3 opportunities in just one day to meet someone.  That means that out of the 52 weeks in that year, you can give yourself 260-780 instances in which you can meet a partner.

Or Try These

  • Change up your routine.  Go to different grocery store or work out at different times. The same people at the gym at 5 pm present the same dating opportunities.  Mix it up to see what the gym holds early morning or what shopping late at night might offer you.
  • Forgo technology.  Go to the bank, shop at the store, and even leave your phone in your pocket in public.  You are unapproachable when you are walking and texting at the same time.  Every time you can immerse yourself in people gives you more and more opportunities to meet someone.
  • Take a class.  Not in school anymore?  Take a class; and make sure the ratio is to your benefit.  Women take a welding or building class, men try for cooking or pottery.  Sounds ridiculous, but you might be the only female in a room of 20 men; half of which statistically will be single.
  • Move from the small town.  Do you live in a town where “everybody knows your name” ? If you want to branch out and meet people, maybe the small town  isn’t for you.  If you don’t want to move, traveling 45 minutes to an hour can give you new scenery including new potential dating partners.
  • Stop locking and dropping.  This is locking yourself into a dating situation where the other person is waiting to meet someone else before they drop you.  If you are locked into dating one person who just isn’t real or serious about the relationship, it is time to remove him or her from your dating life.
  • Boys and Girls can be friends.  Yes they can be, but hanging out with the opposite sex all the time will make it impossible for other people to know you are available, even if your Facebook status reads “single.”  Remember that no one can read your profile when they are having a conversation with you.

You have many opportunities to meet potential partners but you may first have to embrace some change and commit to meeting new people.

Are You Mad at Me?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

Are you mad at me, is the relationship equivalent to the kids yelling in the back of the car, are we there yet?  It is the annoying question that gets inserted when we are not sure what our partner is feeling.

For some reason, this phrase has become the go-two when we want to spark a conversation with how our significant other is feeling.  I would also venture to say that 90 percent of the time the answer is going to be “no”.  Even when the person is mad at you, literally, they will say no.  It feels like it is a trap.  It is confusing, for everyone.  The person asking the question is, more than likely, directing their feelings of inadequacy towards the other person.  Not inadequacy as a person, but inadequacy in communication.  As we partner together in relationships or marriages we go through a huge learning curve on what the other person is feeling.  Even after that curve has been met, we spend ample time getting to know the other person throughout the relationship.ips

So why even ask the question?  You are waiting for their tone and demeanor, not actually the answer to the question.  Try to wait and watch their tone and demeanor in normal conversation.  After you gather the appropriate amount of information and consider that they possibly are mad (or sad, upset, tired, preoccupied, or hundreds of other emotions that we as humans may feel), then maybe offer your listening and insert something like; Babe, how are you today?  How was work?  How was school?  All these questions provoke conversation; the person will begin to discuss the day with you and eventually some type of emotions will come out and they will also divulge who those emotions were directed at.

You are making a lot of assumptions when you even ask if a person is mad.  You are making a tremendous amount more when you insert: at me?  Of the many emotions that we can feel as humans and the thousands of people in our lives that we can feel them at; maybe we can corporately and consciously try to leave this phrase out of our relationships.

The alternative: 

In a relationship, we develop many words or actions that we only share with the other person.  It is the language that both parties make up all their own; may include sarcasm, baby talk, or funny somethings.  An example is ours (my boyfriend and me) became, “Are you sad at me?”  It was a funny way for us to develop our own way to talk to one another.  We understand that the phrase is not literal and we joke and talk between one another. Develop and alternative with your partner to replace the dreadful question, “Are You Mad at Me?”

An Argument about Brownies…. Or is it?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

I understand that as a professional using my own experiences is not always the best practice.  However, I insert personal stories when I feel that they will benefit the readers.  The irony of this story, is just too good to leave out.

Let me start from the beginning.  I was in Oakland, CA for a CAMFT conference recently.  I took some seminars on couple’s therapy, and had a wonderful time getting to know some of my cohorts.  As we traveled home I felt a sense of excitement about what I learned.  A book called Breaking the Argument Cycle, How to Stop Fighting without Therapy was the topic one seminar.  The author of the book, Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A, M.F.T, kept our attention as she gracefully told us her personal story and the impact of her professional therapy practice.

 

Later that week, I went over to my boyfriends’ house.  There on the table were individually cut, baked, and a nicely organized pan of brownies for my boyfriend to take to the pot-luck at work the next day.  My initial reaction was, “Who baked the brownies!?”  He answered with, “I did.”

Then we were off; I was insisting that his mother or sister had to have made them, and he was standing his ground that he had made them and “Why did I have to be so rude?”

 

We went on for a long time, fighting about brownies?  Oh wow! I had just found myself in the same situation that the author of the book above had discussed.  An argument about brownies seemed like such a silly thing.  But what does it really mean?

 

Sometimes we are not fighting about what we seem to be fighting about.  Most of the time we are fighting about something much deeper.  Most of the problems exist in our relationships are a pattern of how we grew up or our past relationships.

 

During an argument, we have an initially feeling that arises from the situation.  Maybe I felt distrust/doubt about him making the brownies.  Maybe he felt hurt/criticized.  The root of our discussion probably had nothing to do with the brownies and more about the feelings that the brownies brought up. Even more importantly is how we dealt with those feelings.

 

Reading the book and trying to understand your own personal hang-ups when it comes to relationships can help you to better understand where your reactions or arguments may stem from.  Once you understand where they stem from, you might begin to adjust your reactions.  This will take a great amount of time and work.

In the end it will be worth eliminating the main reason for the arguments and leave the brownies for eating.

 

 

 

Are Your Relationship Expectations Too High?

Posted on by misskjelstrom

We all have different expectations in a relationship.  These expectations can come from different places.  A reasonable expectation is understood with two different components: one partner vocalizing their expectation and the other partner either being capable or not capable of meeting that expectation.  Early in a relationship, you learn what your partner is capable of.  They might not be able to cook or to build a tree house.  We learn this through interaction and communication.

Where can our Expectations Come From? 

  • They can be derived from pressures that were put on us as children or teens.
  • They may be a result of our ability to push and expect certain degrees of accomplishment for ourselves.
  • They can come from conversations we have had with our significant other about things they wish to accomplish in the future.

Expectations are normal; individuals that have higher drive and initiative might expect more of others.  However, there is a difference between reasonable expectations and unreasonable expectations.  A great example is if you ask your significant other to change your headlight.  It is a reasonable expectation for you to ask if your partner can help you out. Your partner will then answer that they can or can not meet those expectations with a yes, I can change the headlight or no, I can not change the headlight.

If your partner says yes…

A yes yields that to be a reasonable expectation for your partner.  Your expectation is obtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.  They agree that it is obtainable and reasonable by agreeing that they can take care of it.

If your partner says no…

Now, if your partner vocalized that they are unable to meet this need, than you look for another route to accomplish this.  Your expectation is unobtainable for your partner through their verbal reflection.

It is in these instances that we learn what our partner is capable of verses what they are not.  If you have a partner that teaches college for a living and is mainly a reader and writer, they may never be able to construct an addition to your home.  You learn what your partner is and is not capable of by getting to know them.

Unobtainable Expectations….

In the example above we are able to vocalize a need/expectation and see if our partner can meet them.  However, we can have expectations that are too high.  To use the headlight example: If you expect that your significant other will first notice the headlight problem themselves and change it: that can be seen as too high of an expectation.  Asking always gives us a chance to reflect on what our partner brings into the relationship.

Where the frustration lies…

Frustration comes up in a relationship when our expectations are not met.  If we understand these as reasonable expectations that our partner has agreed they can accomplish, but then these expectations are not met: we need to ask ourselves if we are in the right relationship.  Not having your needs and expectations met will cause constant bickering and unhappiness.

However, if your expectations are constantly too high or unobtainable then you need to asses how to adjust and meet those needs in other ways.  This way you will not take the undue frustration out on your partner.