Refuse or Forgive After Infidelity

We are quick to blame one party when our partners stray and meet someone outside of the relationship.  But what about, “It takes two to tango”?  I am not suggesting that you blame one party or the other, but I am suggesting that you give them equal responsibility or equal forgiveness.  Example- You are back with the guy who cheated on you, but you refuse to talk to the girl that he cheated on you with.  Maybe it is time to refuse to talk to both of them.  Or maybe it time to forgive both of them. 

My suggestion is that if you are continuing the relationship with your partner and trying to resolve a time of infidelity, that you forgive both parties.  Letting go of that past can be the best thing to get you and your partner to move on to a successful future.  Moving on with your partner through a time of infidelity can be a very difficult task.  However if you are refusing to forgive your partner or the situation, the best thing you can do is get out of the situation.  If you are ruminating about the infidelity, the act of the cheating, or the parties involved, and are unable to stop your bad thoughts it is time to move on.  You can not continue to analyze why this went on.  Some situations in life just don’t make any sense and you will never be able to make sense of them.

Here are some quick suggestions to move on from this difficult situation:

  • Take care of yourself.  Get back into a happy hobby.  Hang out with friends.
  • Don’t disclose your personal life.  In the times of Facebook Status, it may be easy to bash your unfaithful partner via web, but I suggest against that.
  • Don’t listen to unsolicited advice.  Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should and should not do in a situation of infidelity.  You need friends who give you support rather than judgement.
  • Forgive everyone involved.  Forgive your partner, the other party, and yourself.  You might even have to take some responsibility in order to forgive yourself.
  • Couples therapy.  It might be good to have a neutral third-party to help you get through set-backs of the relationship and move forward.  You will be able to talk honestly about your feelings in a safe environment.
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5 comments

  1. Hurting ans still in love

    This is very helpful advice I WILL USE THIS ONE. I CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND , BUT NOW WE HARDLY SPEAK AND HE HAVE NOT SEEN ME IN WEEKS . WHEN I ASK HIM IF IT IS OVER HE SAID NOTHING. WHY IS THIS? I ASK HIM IF HE STILL LOVE ME HE SAID YES, BUT NOTHING MORE, HE REALLY DON’T SPEAK TO ME , WHEN HE FOUND OUT AND ASK ME I TRY TO LIE BUT I COULDN’T I ADMIT THAT I DID NOW I FEEL HE IS GOING TO LEAVE ME.

    • misskjelstrom

      He is probably not ready to speak to you; It is not good for you to push this. He will come to you when he is ready. It sounds like he still loves you (since he said it verbally) but is not ready to forgive you. And that is okay. He will need time to forgive you. A good question to ask yourself is why you cheated? Also, what will you do to make sure cheating doesn’t happen again in the future? Take some time to figure yourself out while he takes some space.

  2. Pingback: Refuse or Forgive After Infidelity | miss kjelstrom
  3. Rob

    This is wonderful advice but it adopts an almost naive attitude to feelings of betrayal, loss, anger, jealousy. All of these must be mediated before even an amicable stand-off can be created.

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