I recently attended the wedding of a great friend. This beautiful event was supported by a spectacular venue, decorations, and charming dresses. And most importantly, loving people. As the event began, the pastor took her spot under an elegant wood arch aligned with flowers. She opened with a speech to remind the audience, friends and family of our role in this matrimony. As we listened, we became confidants. As we watched the couple exchange vows, we became advocates for their happiness. We were not just gathered here to witness, but to become collaborators in the entirety of this marriage journey.
We are called to provide support, to help in times of struggle, heal in times of pain and celebrate in times of joy to those of our friends who include us in their special day. We have a part in this union and this family throughout the many years they remain married.
This, of course, got me thinking. I thought about all the people seated in the chairs beside me and standing near the couple. I thought about their journey and the importance of the role I was about to play in the lives of others.
Marriage is a time for happiness and celebration. But Marriage is most importantly a time when our selfish ways are put aside and we grow in love. Relationships that support the marriage are essential for that growth to happen.
As I continue to read books from leaders, mentors, and professional athletes, I learn that people need direction from different avenues and various people. We are all shaped by our families, our communities, our teachers, and our peers. We are all snapped by our relationships.
I have been to numerous weddings throughout the past 10 years, and I had to ask myself how have I continued to support those individuals and families?
When we put on suits and ties, pretty dresses and dazzling shoes, we are not just attending one event for that relationship, but we are asked to continue to provide support and understanding for the marriage journey and each of its partners.
I was moved by the pastor engaging the attendies in the discussion to support marriage in it’s longevity. Community is an intricate part of supporting marriages. We can not do this alone.
My name is Laurie Kjelstrom, M.A. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern who is passionate about helping Marriages sustain happiness and helping families live healthy lives.
If you are in California, please call me today for a consultation: 714-747-4393
How do we prepare for millennials in the workforce? What are we missing when it comes to understanding this generation? Why do we want it to be similar to generations before it?
Some people see the millennials as an entitled generation; that they expect things they didn’t earn. A generation that is used to instant gratification. After all, they never had to press rewind on a cassette player and wait 5 minutes for it to rewind. The millennials are used to anything they want at the touch of a screen. They are different. They are very different.
There is a new status quo. The millennials want quicker, faster and easier. I mean, can we blame them? We might see it as collaborative social anxiety and an embellished sense of self. However, what if we change the way we see it? How can we begin to adapt for the millennial workforce?
What if we said, they have an ability to collaborate and a high sense of pride for their work to resemble self.
As psychology heads towards positive affirming, we should establish more hope for the future. Previous generations need to update our attitude while the millennials update their status. The millennials want consistent feedback and less aggressive micromanaging.
Preparing for the millennial workforce takes a different approach:
- Encourage Collaboration – Millennials are encouraged by competition. They are competing for “likes” and not just on their Instagram, but in the workforce.
- Learn from their Tech Savvy– Learn something from your younger counterparts. They are tech savvy and they have been using iPads since elementary school.
- Give them Independence– Independence is important to the millennials. Micromanaging this generation will cause nothing but headache for you and quitting for them.
- Welcome Change – As a hiring manager or business owner you will have to accept where this new generation is. Change is here and it happens faster than it used to. This generation embraces change. You need to as well.
- Cultivate Inspiration– Cut the coddling, but keep up with the Kardashians. Millennials are inspired by realities that past generations may not understand. They are influenced by social excitement and energized by new ideas.
- Recognize their Values– Money isn’t enough. They use plastic or scan apps to pay for things. They don’t place value on money. They have barely even seen it. They want to take a selfie at Machu Picchu instead of buying that new BMW. The monetary value doesn’t override the freedom.
We are not impressing upon the indulgent. We are not acting like overprotective parents. We are building a new workforce that appreciates positive feedback and collective collaboration. So how do we prepare for the millennials to take over the workforce? We encourage, we connect, and we inspire.
– Mohandas K. Gandhi
Gandhi was a wise man. The power of language and our thoughts will influence our feelings and actions. Think about it. Three things often go together; our actions, our feelings, and our thoughts. What you say or do has the power to dictate how you feel or think about something. Our mindset can influence our emotions. How cool is that? We can influence our emotions.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned and now teach, is that have influence in how we feel about things. That puts us in a better mindset for coping with struggles or maintaining successes.
Here are some quick tips to enlisting this new positive standard into your language.
1. Say goodbye to words like can’t, don’t, and shouldn’t.
2. Be cautious with always, never, all and none (extreme words make us feel defeated).
3. Use Self-Affirmations (I am good the way I am, I am happy, I am successful).
4. Eliminate self-loathing. Try to give yourself grace. When we feel poorly or have poor feelings about ourselves it leaks into other aspects of our lives. Notice what is going on with yourself but try not to judge it. I often tell people to use the word, just. This is just a setback. I am just working through something. When you take away the power of words, you take away the power they have over you, your thoughts, and your feelings.
5. Take non-judgmental stances. The more we critics others, the harder it is to have positive words. When we take negative stances on things, ideas, or people it rises our emotions for worse. Criticism is for worse. When we take a positive or neutral stance it is for better. Inspire and encourage others, listening and be non-judgemental.
6. Reconnect with yourself. We live in a busy, beautiful world. It is important to find clarity in your heart and mind to practice a positive mindset and incorporate them as a part of your life.
Gandhi was a wise man, and he was also a practicing man. You have to practice and incorporate ways to be mindful in your every day life. The power of positive takes practice and patience. You have the power to inspire and influence.
This story is about a girl named Mary. Mary is my friend. Mary is currently single, but going on dates. Now Mary and I have known one another for over two decades. She and I have traveled to the depths of the dating world together and been single to sulk our relationship losses. We’ve watched every chic flick on how to be good at being a strong but super cool, chill girl. (Come, on!) Every woman in the world is trying to be a good wife, partner, girlfriend, dating person, or single chic. And being “good” is so subjective.
Then we are given dating advice in Cosmopolitan, or told to be rude by outlandish books; Why Men Love Bitches. All the information becomes conflicting and overwhelming. We are inundated with friends opinions and strangers judgements. We are overthinking, over-trying, and overdoing.
So, lets get back to Mary’s story. She had been single before and in other relationships before. Ones that worked and ones that didn’t. Ones that ended cordially with a hand shake and ones that ended tragically with cheating. She has played the field, given up dating to pursue a career and come back around again. Before she began dating again she saw a counselor. She worked on some fears, then after another year, she got back out there. She was not active in pursuing men, but she was attracting good and decent men who wanted to take her out. She was confident, happy, and fun. She had her contagious energy back that she had before her heartbreak. But it took Mary time to get there. Before that she laid on the couch with me and cried, she asked for hugs and she figured out what she wanted. She rediscovered who she was.
Then something happened. Mary met someone. She met someone she really liked. She was overwhelmed by trying to remember the rules to dating because she actually liked this guy. She thought about texting in 3 days instead of hours; how to keep him interested; when to introduce him to her friends; when he should meet her family; was she actually ready for a real relationship; what if he rejected her; what if she needed to have multiple people to date at the same time while not making him jealous, while keeping him interested, while trying to stand on her head while sitting in a chair and juggling 4 balls in the air while playing guitar and making dinner for 12 people…….. Mary was having overwhelming feelings and emotions of doubt. She just had to remember, it’s going to be ok. She had to remember what she wanted and not digress to the conflicting information. She had to calm her fears, anxieties, and doubt.
She had to go back and remember what she had learned. She learned that just because she grew from an experience that she could not control future situations and that there was no promise she wouldn’t be hurt again. She had to let go of her need to control and she had to be vulnerable. My point is……we ebb and flow in all stages of dating and relationships. Relax. Breath. Stop trying to figure it out and enjoy the journey.
Why does it all have to be so complicated? We get so much conflicting information from so many avenues and it keeps us from developing our genuine selves. It prolongs the confusion and chaos. Mary has no idea how to be single. She has no idea how to date or how to be in a relationship. Not the “right way”, at least, whatever that means. But who does? We are all sort of the blind leading the blind. This is messy stuff. This is complicated stuff. We have to give ourselves room to breath and grow. We are making it up as we go, learning from the past, and taking notes for the future. There is no right way to date or right way to be single. The best you can hope for is good and supportive friends that hang in there with you along the way. My point is……Relax. Breath. Stop trying to figure it out and enjoy the journey, single or not.
Even been dating someone and you are not sure if he (or she) is into you?
We begin a relationship where our partner seems like our knight in shining armor; they listen to us about our bad day and they send flowers just to make us smile. You have that goofy smile that you can’t get rid of and you talk about them to all your friends.
Then something changes; your partner doesn’t go out of their way to do the little things they did in the beginning. They lose interest when you discuss something that is bothering you. You may have experienced this before, where the relationship changed. Unfortunately, the relationship was probably always like this. It’s time to stop pulling those petals off the flower with, he loves me, he loves me not…. It’s time to take control of the situation. Trying to understand or fix the current dating situation will likely not work and the red flags will always be present, but here is what you can do:
Self-Care. Get some exercise, good sleep, and eat nutritious meals. The emotional rollercoaster will calm down if you feel physically good.
Positive Affirmations. This experience may have you feeling less than great. Listen to positive affirmations, pick up an inspiring book, or talk to helpful friends. You need to feel good mentally as well.
You Have a Choice. You get to choose who you date. That is the best part. This can also be the hardest part. Our past experiences draw us to certain people, but our future doesn’t have to be the same.
Your Realization. If you are feeling inconsistencies with your dating partner, it is likely that they are feeling the same way. For whatever reason one or both of you are just not into the relationship. You have the realization, then you move on.
I Love Me. If the person you are dating doesn’t show up when you need them emotionally or physically, remember – you love you. Be your biggest fan and surround yourself with friends who love you and remind you how awesome you are.
Don’t Stop Dating. The unrequited love may have left a damper on your ego. However, sitting on your couch in your sweat pants is not going to help that ego dry any quicker. Get back into dating and find someone who is consistent in the way they treat you. You should never have to wonder if someone likes you.
A Message from the Author:
I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern located in Huntington Beach, CA. I am supervised by Jeffrey Kullmann (L.C.S.W. LCS 13661).
I believe in helping others to develop happiness and grow emotional strength. I work with individuals and couples to navigate life goals and relationships.
Please visit: www.lauriekcounseling.com to get more information or schedule a counseling appointment.
-Laurie Kjelstrom, M.A.
Finding peace is about exploring the world around us. It is about engaging in social relationships. It is about taking care of ourselves physically and mentally. It is a constant exploration of our world, our motivations, and our attachments. Here are some tips to begin that exploration:
- Understand that some people or things are not for you. Some people cause us harm. They hurt our feelings or don’t agree with our value system. Trenton Shelton said “Just because someone starts with you, doesn’t mean that they are going to finish with you.”
- Maintain Balance. When life gets overwhelming, you have to take a step back and check in with your mind, body, and spirit. Ask yourself what your motivation is for your actions. Explore where your uncomfortable stress may come from and find ways to lessen it.
- Find joy in the little things. Look for the good in people. Look for the joy in the little things. If you are looking for what is wrong in a person or thing, you will find it. Look with exploration and not judgement.
- Cultivate love. Build secure relationships and be willing to give. Stay through the uncomfortable parts and increase the happy memories. Leave any expectations at the door.
- Don’t hide from hurt. Don’t hide from your emotions. Allow yourself to feel them and then allow them to float on. We have to grieve before we can move forward appropriately.
- Play. You can not fully enjoy freedom until you have established discipline. This discipline helps us maintain healthy relationships, take care of ourselves physically and mentally, and to have clarity in our character. When you balance discipline and play, you will be on the right path to finding peace.
Remember to find peace it is important to take care of our body and mind. Finding peace is about learning how to maintain our emotional states and engage in the care we need to give to ourselves and others.
Breakups are some of the hardest trials in life; they test our ability to cope with loss and stress. They are emotionally difficult. Trying not to sound too objective, I understand from experience what it is like to go through a breakup. It is hard to see any bright side at the time of the loss of a relationship, but this bad experience will lead to better experiences in the future. Until then try these ideas to cope with a breakup:
- Fake letters. Keep a journal or write out letters to your ex. Write as many letters as it takes or type up fake emails. These can release every emotion you have and express exactly what you feel without hurting anyone directly. It also keeps the person from responding because if broke up with the person, it is likely that the person was not responding to your needs in a constructive way. You don’t need a response to get the emotional release.
- Body pillow. If you are used to cuddling or sleeping next to someone, the actual object can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being. Tricking your brain with the physical can help with the emotional. Snuggle up to a pillow or two and give your brain those feel good chemicals it is used to.
- Avoid alcohol and mind-altering substances. Having a clear mind is important in getting over difficult emotional struggles. A clear mind can lessen the duration of pain. This is a good time for you to get a clear head and make clear choices.
- Surround yourself with positive people. Your friends and family are great people to reach out to. Familiar and positive people can help you push through a difficult time. Don’t isolate and reach out to your loved ones often.
- Stay occupied. Keep yourself busy. You will have time later to work through all the emotions; sitting and ruminating about a bad situation will not help you start the healing process.
- Mini-Vacation. Take a short trip and go with a friend. Clear your head and break away from the situation before coming back to begin the coping process.