This story is about a girl named Mary. Mary is my friend. Mary is currently single, but going on dates. Now Mary and I have known one another for over two decades. She and I have traveled to the depths of the dating world together and been single to sulk our relationship losses. We’ve watched every chic flick on how to be good at being a strong but super cool, chill girl. (Come, on!) Every woman in the world is trying to be a good wife, partner, girlfriend, dating person, or single chic. And being “good” is so subjective.
Then we are given dating advice in Cosmopolitan, or told to be rude by outlandish books; Why Men Love Bitches. All the information becomes conflicting and overwhelming. We are inundated with friends opinions and strangers judgements. We are overthinking, over-trying, and overdoing.
So, lets get back to Mary’s story. She had been single before and in other relationships before. Ones that worked and ones that didn’t. Ones that ended cordially with a hand shake and ones that ended tragically with cheating. She has played the field, given up dating to pursue a career and come back around again. Before she began dating again she saw a counselor. She worked on some fears, then after another year, she got back out there. She was not active in pursuing men, but she was attracting good and decent men who wanted to take her out. She was confident, happy, and fun. She had her contagious energy back that she had before her heartbreak. But it took Mary time to get there. Before that she laid on the couch with me and cried, she asked for hugs and she figured out what she wanted. She rediscovered who she was.
Then something happened. Mary met someone. She met someone she really liked. She was overwhelmed by trying to remember the rules to dating because she actually liked this guy. She thought about texting in 3 days instead of hours; how to keep him interested; when to introduce him to her friends; when he should meet her family; was she actually ready for a real relationship; what if he rejected her; what if she needed to have multiple people to date at the same time while not making him jealous, while keeping him interested, while trying to stand on her head while sitting in a chair and juggling 4 balls in the air while playing guitar and making dinner for 12 people…….. Mary was having overwhelming feelings and emotions of doubt. She just had to remember, it’s going to be ok. She had to remember what she wanted and not digress to the conflicting information. She had to calm her fears, anxieties, and doubt.
She had to go back and remember what she had learned. She learned that just because she grew from an experience that she could not control future situations and that there was no promise she wouldn’t be hurt again. She had to let go of her need to control and she had to be vulnerable. My point is……we ebb and flow in all stages of dating and relationships. Relax. Breath. Stop trying to figure it out and enjoy the journey.
Why does it all have to be so complicated? We get so much conflicting information from so many avenues and it keeps us from developing our genuine selves. It prolongs the confusion and chaos. Mary has no idea how to be single. She has no idea how to date or how to be in a relationship. Not the “right way”, at least, whatever that means. But who does? We are all sort of the blind leading the blind. This is messy stuff. This is complicated stuff. We have to give ourselves room to breath and grow. We are making it up as we go, learning from the past, and taking notes for the future. There is no right way to date or right way to be single. The best you can hope for is good and supportive friends that hang in there with you along the way. My point is……Relax. Breath. Stop trying to figure it out and enjoy the journey, single or not.
This morning I was standing in line patiently waiting to order my tall soy chai when I noticed something about the people standing in line with me. The three patrons directly in front of me had their heads titled downwards as they typed away on their smart phones. I wondered what they were searching for, who they were tagging, or what they were hashtagging. Or perhaps they were pinning, playing candy crush, or reading the news. These three patrons included a business man with a tie holding a blackberry, a student with his backpack wearing a beanie hat, and a woman dressed casually with her purse tucked at her side. Then my eyes expanded past the three directly in front of me, as I scanned the rest of the Starbucks line. Nearly everyone in line was removed socially from the current environment.
Of the eleven people who stood in line waiting to order drinks seven of them were uninvolved in the social situation and environment as they entertained their anxiousness on their smart phones. I watched as only four stood strong with their heads high and devices tucked away. But then it happen, Man Down! (or should I say Woman Down!) One woman of the remaining four ordered. As she awaited her delightful drink she too reached into her purse and pulled out a device. In this moment the number moved to eight of eleven people in line that were busy bustling away on their smart device. Nearly 73 percent of the people in line were not engaging directly into the social situation that they were a part of. Not only were there no verbal conversations amongst them, but they were so engrossed with their heads down and personal agenda, that they didn’t even non-verbally communicate with smiles or looks. Are we opening up to a world where technology may be a catalyst in hindering our social development?
We need to be aware of a new social consciousness as the use of technology and smart phones rises. But what are we doing to make sure we remain and continue to become socially intelligent and socially in-tune? When was the last time you turned off your smart phone for a whole day and just allowed yourself to be engaged in all your social interactions? Try it. Your anxiousness may increase the first few times you unplug. This just goes to show us that we are actively having some kind of relationship with technology and smart phones. We live in an Anxious America. Time for a break up. Time to be more socially intelligent.