Tagged: huffington post

Intensity is Not Love

I was listening to Loveline with Dr. Drew the other night.  I overheard him say this to one of the callers, “Intensity is not love.”  I sat with that for a moment and began to unpack what it means to have intensity in a relationship.

Intensity is not what the majority of us know as “Butterflies;” that initial warm tingling feeling that we get when we see that person or when we think about them when they are away.  Intensity is much different.  Butterflies are driven by the same oxytocin hormone, but the intensity is like an addiction and can be driven by negative triggers in the oxytocin.  The intensity lies in large and fast amounts of this “love hormone” resulting later in opposite behaviors like jealousy and envy; although these emotions might not come through at the beginning of the intensity, these emotions  can take effect after the intensity is over or during its intensity.


Intensity is mostly felt by those  who experience relationships through insecure/anxious attachments or avoidant attachments.  Secure attachments are the healthy attachments that allow us to get the proper doses of oxytocin at the proper times and allow for quality trust and bond building.

When the brain and body illicit butterfly feelings, once those feelings go away our bodies do not crave or seek out those feelings.  We have landed in a comfortable place when we stop feeling those initial rushes of emotion; comfort and security override those feelings.  However when we feel intensity, it is never enough when it goes away; it is the chaos that we constantly feel or seek out in the unhealthy relationship.

When thinking about a specific someone who makes you have intense feelings, some of which can even create some anxiety, listen to your body more and take the time to acknowledge what the relationship or person is actually doing in your life.

You can also take this QUIZ to review your attachment style.  Ask yourself if intensity is something you crave.  Look into understanding your attachment style to make better and healthier connections with your partners in the future.



Your Marriage is Not a Drive-Thru; You Have to Go Inside!

I have heard people say this about romantic relationships: “You should not have to work in a relationship” or “Your relationship should not be work.”  What should it be then?  All of the good friendships that I made took time and energy to foster and to keep.  Why do people not complain about the work they had to put into their friendships, but will emote that kind of rant in their romantic ones?

Those statements boggle me.  We are a society that believes we get things handed to us.  Our grandparents or parents stayed together because they believed in the commitment in marriage and believed that hard work was the only thing that got you anywhere. They faced the same issues and frustrations that we do with relationships today.  It looked different, but the solutions are similar.

I am asking that we stop treating marriage like a drive-thru.  You need to park the car, get out, and go inside.  If you are having difficulty in your marriage, the best thing you can do is seek professional therapeutic help from someone who you can trust and who has a track record of reconnecting marriages. Marriage will never be simple.

1. Relationships take time to foster. If you are in a hurry to walk down the aisle, that is a clear sign that your heart may not be in the right place.  In Facebook world it appears everyone is getting married and having babies.  However, in real-time, there are still a lot of singles out there.

2. The best way to keep your relationship simple is to always remember the friendship that is behind it. It is vital to be your partners’ best friend.  You should continue to get to know each other for years to come.  As you change together, you will need to learn new things about one another.

3. You have to nurture the marriage all the time.  Just like we maintain our cars, water our grass, or dedicate ourselves to educational leaps through school; you constantly need to nurture your marriage.  If you keep up with the little ways that you can stay connected, your marriage will keep on the right track.  If you don’t keep nurturing the marriage, it will get put in the shop, die, or not pass the 9th grade.  We maintain almost every aspect of our lives.  We maintain our jobs and our progress.  Why should it be any different in romantic relationships?

4. There must be mutual respect.  We respect our friends.  If  you are my friend and I don’t text you back right away, you are not going to text me two hours later and say ? or why didn’t you text me back? We set boundaries and keep them very well in most of our friendships.  We need to learn to do the same in our relationships.  We must respect our significant other for the obligations they may have, the love that they may need, and everything in between.

5. You have to have a passion to have fun together.  Have fun together in everything you do.  Fun can be fostered by become more caring and in tune in the relationship.  Make a list of three things that you will each do each day for the next two weeks. See how this new daily caring makes for more positive exchanges in the relationship.   (Such as 1. Tell them you love them every morning when you get up. 2. Write them a note and leave it someone different each day.  3. Call them during lunch just to ask how they are doing.) If you are saying, three things every day?!  Yes, three things each day for two weeks.  You manage to eat three times a day and go to the bathroom multiple times.  Make it routine!

Don’t Hate the Player, Learn the Game!



Let’s address the idea that being single in a world of couples can make anyone become a bit insensitive to the idea of finding someone.  Although, I don’t believe in “the one” on any given day, I appreciate that observing humanity  and engaging in conversations is what helps me to elaborate on different topics.  I have lived vicariously through my friends’ marriages, through friends’ break-ups and my own heart ache, through single life and dating life; I study psychology to better understand the behavioral patterns that we take on.  People who have a tendency to be in charge of their dating world can be viewed as bad and all selfish.  Players are some of the best people to learn from when wanting to take charge of your dating life.  I am not suggesting that you become dishonest or deceitful, but I am suggesting that you learn some things to take charge of your dating life.

One thing is certain, dating patterns are some of the hardest patterns to break.  We have a tendency to be attracted to and to date similar people or personalities.  If you have dating difficulty, learn the game in order to learn how to break patterns.  If you give yourself a three-month window to really get to know someone before you jump into a steamy-make-out session or long phone conversation (where each person is trying to impress anyways) you might have better luck finding the good ones and dismissing the wrong ones. But don’t hate the players, because they have a valuable place in helping you learn the game.  Whether you are a man or a woman, if you have a high rate of heart-breaks or shot-downs, it’s time to learn the game.




Steps to learning the game: 

First,  befriend a player and let yourself learn the patterns of the game.  You are a side-line observer; get in the game with the player and you are bound to lose. Pick up on the suave and causal manner that is displayed around their dating patterns.




Take control.  You are in control of who you date, until you aren’t anymore. Players are always in control of who they date and when, because they don’t let themselves attach too soon. Staying in control means keeping your dating partners at arm’s length.



Keep time. Don’t create situations in which you require long periods alone with one another.  Leave room at the end of date to make up an excuse to leave. Keep availability to every second time they ask you out in the beginning and third time they ask when they start hitting you up more.


Date multiples.  If you are the type of person that has one date with a person and drops everyone else prior to having the DTR (Define the Relationship talk), it is time to change.  That’s a guilty conscience if you can’t date two people at once.  Getting to know someone for who they really are, often requires models to test it against.


Make it natural.  Don’t start sending yourself flowers or being vibrant about all the multiple dates you are having.  Players are great at the game because the down-low is more than a way of hiding the bad, but more importantly projecting the good.

Be sexy but always classy. Put a spark out in the way you project and take care of yourself.  Make sure you are always put together and never thrown together.  Take time to plan attire and attitude.  What you wear tells people who you are.  Your attitude helps people decide if they want to approach you or not. A player is constantly up on this part which makes securing dating partners a success.







Why You’re Not Married

One of the most important aspects about being a good writer is being a great reader.  I came across this gem in the Huffington Post written by Tracy McMillan.  She writes for Mad Men and United States of Tara.  It was published in 2011, but two years later is still relevant to all those who want to get a ring on it.

Read the Whole Article By Clicking on the Link Below:

Why You’re Not Married

The Marriage Housing Market

The American housing market has been in a lull for some time now.  At least that is what I read; I am not an expert on housing, real estate or anything of that nature.  A couple of years ago, I overheard someone say, “It is a buyers’ market.”  Some people conceive the market is going back up progressively; it’s all in discussion followed by action.  

 So what does this have to do with your marriage?  Well, the marriage market is similar to the housing market.  There are reports that the divorce rate is increasing and reports that it is decreasing.  However the rate is null and void to the way we need to be active participants in our marriages.

Some people speculate that divorce is more prevalent when:

Divorce is becoming an open forum in which many people willfully or unwillfully take part. Reasons for divorce are said to be:

  • Lack of commitment
  • Lack of positive interaction
  • Lack of communication
  • Lack of sex
  • Lack of real expectations

So when our home does not have enough equity in it to sell, we stay with it.  We know that the investment we made in the beginning and it has to  yield the proper return for us.  Why can’t we do this in marriages? Whether the housing market is up or down, if you are a home owner, you are a home owner. The housing market is boosted by the economy, which is a collective citizen task.  Your marriage is boosted by what takes place in the marriage, which is a collective couple task.

Eventually the marriage will return to the value it once was, we have to try to put in work.  Putting in the due diligence to make your marriage work will predict the end result.  We have to be patient and trust that the process marriage takes will yield happiness later, even during difficult times.

*Sometimes getting divorced is the healthiest decision for all parties involved.  I am not soliciting advice for your specific situation; I am just advising you to take time in making such a decision and seek counsel from professionals.

The Ugly Truth About Your Fling

The truth about your fling is that when you first begin seeing them, they are everything you hope to find in a partner.  This person is sweet, they spend time with you, they make it a point to take you out, and they even woo over some of your friends.  They talk to you about their dreams and their future, which makes them even more irresistible.

Months later when the DTR talk comes up, there is no exclusive relationship in the near future.  Then you start seeing things such as; their pictures on Facebook tend to involve random multiple people of the opposite sex or maybe too much boozing in one night.  Texts happen a lot more after 11 p.m. and their idea of taking you out now is you driving an hour to go to their place.  They might talk to you about committing, but their actions are inconsistent with that.

The ugly truth about your fling is that their inconsistencies might be confusing you. Their inconsistencies might even lead you to pronounce to your friends that you won’t be seeing them again.  The hard truth about this is that your well-being hangs in the balance of your ability to walk away from this person.

Maybe you are able to find peace in the “fling” type of relationship.  You may both be in the relationship just for fun and have no intention of getting seriously romantically involved with one another.  However, the hard truth is typically that one party is going to get hurt.  The even harder truth is that if you have read this far into this blog, that person is probably you.

The ugliest truth about your fling is what it means about you.  Why are you willing to keep hanging on to someone who isn’t giving you their all?  A wise friend once told me that relationships are not black and white.  I agree that relationships can have many gray areas.

The rule of thumb is that if the other party is unwilling to connect with the level of commitment that you need, you will end up on the losing end.  Remember that you are likely to see their inconsistencies anyways, so maybe it’s time to throw this fling back into the single sea.