Tagged: relationships

Break-Up Bod

Forbes magazine debunked the idea that a habit can be formed in 21 days.  That goes to show us that quick fix self-help won’t ingrain habits in the long run. However, active and consistent participation in self-help can maintain habits and provoke change.  With honest conviction, we can change.  So, yes, this will be hard, but I am going to get up and work out in the morning! 

Unfortunately, no Smart phone app will directly induce weight loss, secure relationship happiness or help with job perseverance. Sure, devices make situations easier, but we can’t just turn on the treadmill and watch it rotate.

Too often we make temporary changes that won’t form lasting habits.  We get motivated to work out because of our recent break-up.  We stop smoking because of a bad cough.  Don’t wait to form habits, form them daily!

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Here are some tips to form habits and sustain them:

  • Too Much Too Soon.  Sometimes we start with high expectations for ourselves or we get burnt out on the rigid regiment that we have set for ourselves.  Cut your beginning goals in half and build them over time.  Start small.

 

  • Know Yourself.  Do you like variety? Do you need to be pushed?  If you are not self-motivated to work out, a plain gym membership is not going to do you any good.  You need classes, trainers, or a work out buddy.  You need accountability.   My friend went to this amazing local Pilates class.  They had a cancellation fee so with finances being her priority, she got her butt to class.  Do what works for you. 

 

  • Discipline.  You have to be willing to meet your goals by setting them and achieving them often. Use SMART goals as a way to set up these goals.  Set them often.  Set them SMART. 

 

  • Excuses.  Successful people will be the first to tell you that they don’t use excuses.  You move forward, you take risks and you take responsibility.  Change happens when we stop excusing and start doing.  

 

  • Give Yourself Grace.  If you get stuck in a rut, have a pre-planned way to get out of it.  Shame will keep you stuck.   Give yourself grace to move forward. 

 

  • Reward Yourself. As adults we can have anything we want anytime we want it.  Be your own parent.  Allow yourself to have a treat, whether it is a new outfit or a fun vacation, but not until you reach a certain goal.   If you are motivated for the reward, the system works.  

 

I hope this article inspires your break-up bod to be your all- time bod! Get motivated and embrace change!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Even been dating someone and you are not sure if he (or she) is into you?

We begin a relationship where our partner seems like our knight in shining armor; they listen to us about our bad day and they send flowers just to make us smile.  You have that goofy smile that you can’t get rid of and you talk about them to all your friends.

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Wallpapers Market

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then something changes; your partner doesn’t go out of their way to do the little things they did in the beginning.  They lose interest when you discuss something that is bothering you.   You may have experienced this before, where the relationship changed.  Unfortunately, the relationship was probably always like this.  It’s time to stop pulling those petals off the flower with, he loves me, he loves me not….  It’s time to take control of the situation. Trying to understand or fix the current dating situation will likely not work and the red flags will always be present, but here is what you can do:

 

Self-Care.  Get some exercise, good sleep, and eat nutritious meals.  The emotional rollercoaster will calm down if you feel physically good.

Positive Affirmations.  This experience may have you feeling less than great.  Listen to positive affirmations, pick up an inspiring book, or talk to helpful friends.  You need to feel good mentally as well.

You Have a Choice.  You get to choose who you date.  That is the best part.  This can also be the hardest part.  Our past experiences draw us to certain people, but our future doesn’t have to be the same.

Your Realization.  If you are feeling inconsistencies with your dating partner, it is likely that they are feeling the same way.  For whatever reason one or both of you are just not into the relationship. You have the realization, then you move on.

I Love Me.  If the person you are dating doesn’t show up when you need them emotionally or physically, remember – you love you.  Be your biggest fan and surround yourself with friends who love you and remind you how awesome you are.

Don’t Stop Dating.  The unrequited love may have left a damper on your ego.  However, sitting on your couch in your sweat pants is not going to help that ego dry any quicker.  Get back into dating and find someone who is consistent in the way they treat you.  You should never have to wonder if someone likes you.

 

 

A Message from the Author: 

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern located in Huntington Beach, CA.  I am supervised by Jeffrey Kullmann (L.C.S.W. LCS 13661).  

I believe in helping others to develop happiness and grow emotional strength.  I work with individuals and couples to navigate life goals and relationships.  

Please visit: www.lauriekcounseling.com  to get more information or schedule a counseling appointment. 

 

-Laurie Kjelstrom, M.A. 

6 Ways To Find Peace

Finding peace is about exploring the world around us.  It is about engaging in social relationships.  It is about taking care of ourselves physically and mentally.  It is a constant exploration of our world, our motivations, and our attachments.  Here are some tips to begin that exploration:

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  1. Understand that some people or things are not for you.   Some people cause us harm.  They hurt our feelings or don’t agree with our value system.  Trenton Shelton said “Just because someone starts with you, doesn’t mean that they are going to finish with you.”
  2.  Maintain Balance.  When life gets overwhelming, you have to take a step back and check in with your mind, body, and spirit.  Ask yourself what your motivation is for your actions.  Explore where your uncomfortable stress may come from and find ways to lessen it.
  3. Find joy in the little things.  Look for the good in people.  Look for the joy in the little things.  If you are looking for what is wrong in a person or thing, you will find it.  Look with exploration and not judgement.
  4. Cultivate love. Build secure relationships and be willing to give.  Stay through the uncomfortable parts and increase the happy memories. Leave any expectations at the door.
  5. Don’t hide from hurt.  Don’t hide from your emotions.  Allow yourself to feel them and then allow them to float on.  We have to grieve before we can move forward appropriately.
  6. Play. You can not fully enjoy freedom until you have established discipline.  This discipline helps us maintain healthy relationships, take care of ourselves physically and mentally, and to have clarity in our character.  When you balance discipline and play, you will be on the right path to finding peace.

Remember to find peace it is important to take care of our body and mind.  Finding peace is about learning how to maintain our emotional states and engage in the care we need to give to ourselves and others.

 

 

 

6 Quick Tips For Relationship Happiness

“A relationship is much like riding a horse: it is an action of constant rebalancing to achieve a place where both the partners are relaxed yet secure.”

-Anonymous 

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Relationships take work, but here are six quick tips to make that journey a little smoother:

  1. Friendship. The best relationships have a solid foundation of friendship.  You and your partner can learn to grow as friends.  I suggest Love Maps by John Gottman, which you can find in the book: The Seven Principals For Making a Marriage Work
  2. Say Sorry.  Saying sorry doesn’t mean that you are wrong, but it means that you are willing to be there to support and work on the relationship struggles with your partner.  Repairing hurt is one of the fastest ways to maintain good balance in the relationship.
  3. Willingness to Grow.  It is important that both partners are wiling to grow together.  Sure, this may mean having to go to counseling or planning weekly dinners to talk about the relationship.  But, hey, you take your car in for regular oil changes.  Try my couple’s counseling class: Relationship Tune-Up and Repair to get a quick jump start on your relationship happiness. www.LaurieKcounseling.com
  4. Curiosity to Explore.  You must meet life with the curiosity of getting to know people for who they are.  Take time to explore and get to know one another.  Like riding a bike, it might be harder in the beginning because you are working with one another’s attachment styles. (It is new)  Be vulnerable by exploring yourselves together with openness and honesty.
  5. Give Kisses.  Show caring support through physical affection, flirty texts, and loving calls to ask how their day was.  This is a constant way to enhance the connection in your relationship.  I suggest: 5 Love Languages quiz or book to learn how your partner feels cared for.
  6. Safety.  Help one another to feel safe by showing up when your partner needs you.  Never punish your partner by putting them in a time out.  This will only remove safety for both of you.  Attachment styles and patterns are the roots to who we are in our relationships.  Check out: How We Love to understand more about how you respond and act in your relationship.

Above all, happiness in a relationship has to be accompanied by your own happiness.  It is such an exciting adventure to get to share life with someone and to practice doing it well together.  

How To Survive A BreakUp

online-dating-free-chat-serBreakups are some of the hardest trials in life; they test our ability to cope with loss and stress.  They are emotionally difficult.  Trying not to sound too objective, I understand from experience what it is like to go through a breakup.  It is hard to see any bright side at the time of the loss of a relationship, but this bad experience will lead to better experiences in the future.  Until then try these ideas to cope with a breakup:

  • Fake letters.  Keep a journal or write out letters to your ex.  Write as many letters as it takes or type up fake emails. These can release every emotion you have and express exactly what you feel without hurting anyone directly.  It also keeps the person from responding because if broke up with the person, it is likely that the person was not responding to your needs in a constructive way.  You don’t need a response to get the emotional release.
  • Body pillow.  If you are used to cuddling or sleeping next to someone, the actual object can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being.  Tricking your brain with the physical can help with the emotional.  Snuggle up to a pillow or two and give your brain those feel good chemicals it is used to.
  • Avoid alcohol and mind-altering substances.  Having a clear mind is important in getting over difficult emotional struggles.  A clear mind can lessen the duration of pain.  This is a good time for you to get a clear head and make clear choices.
  • Surround yourself with positive people.  Your friends and family are great people to reach out to.  Familiar and positive people can help you push through a difficult time.  Don’t isolate and reach out to your loved ones often.
  • Stay occupied.  Keep yourself busy. You will have time later to work through all the emotions; sitting and ruminating about a bad situation will not help you start the healing process.
  • Mini-Vacation.  Take a short trip and go with a friend.  Clear your head and break away from the situation before coming back to begin the coping process.

Hashtag, Fear of Rejection

The coffee shop rocks some stellar music this morning.  1901 by Phoenix blasts through the speakers as I sit in the back corner watching the locals swing through and converse around the shop.  The Sit and Stay Café houses a bookshelf where patrons can exchange reading material.  There are piles of old books and ironic literature.  “Tears of the Giraffe” stands out as I turn to the lady next to me and she calls out, “Excuse me?”  She asks me if I know which coffee is the best?  I look up from The Orange County Register and lean slightly forward to suggest the one on the far right.  After she fills her mug, she swings back to her seat and we begin to engage in conversation.  She is a delightful older woman with a southern accent and bright blue eyes.  She tells me that she is from Texas and visiting her daughter and son-in-law here in sunny California.  She talks about seeing her grandchildren and how excited she is to spend time with them.  I smile back, ask questions, and express admiration for the exchange that took place.  I get back to my breakfast sandwich and black coffee as I sift through the newspaper.  I watch as two young girls take a photo and discuss uploading it to Instagram.  This leads me to immediately think of hashtags, which leads me to think of texting.  Then, I am reminded of a time when passing notes was cool.  In school when you wanted to elicit the attention of a friend or chat, you had to pass a note.  I recall intricate folding and the rush of passing it so the teacher wouldn’t see.  A thrill in its own right.

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A friend and I reminisced about dial-up the other day.  She recalled her parents having to get two phone lines because you could not use the internet and be on the phone at the same time.  There was a time when we still had to be patient.  The lady in the coffee shop was in her 60s, nearly 30 years older than me and these girls were probably around 15, so about half the age gap.  I feel slightly removed from social engagement via app.  What happen to conversing in the coffee shop or asking a stranger a question or engaging in a conversation?  I will tell you what happen. #facebook #instagram #snapchap #socialmedia.  All of this seems to be causing something more than just a lack of communication.  It causes a lack of thrill, a lack of adrenaline, and a lack of excitement.  We are tagging photos and selfies everywhere we go.  We want to project happiness without truly understanding what it takes to grasp it. There is no grace for messes.  We are gaining more control and causing more anxiety in a world where letting go and learning how to handle change are very important.  We online date as a result of the downfall of present and personal communication.  We become neurotic. We become impatient.  The lyrics of 1901 still play.  “Watch them build up a material tower. Think it’s not going to stay anyway. Think it’s overrated.”  The dynamics of human relationships have not changed much in those 45 years from the teens I see to the older woman I speak with, but so much has changed in our means of communication.

I am proposing that ten years ago, we knew how to balance lack of control in life and bounce back from change.  Are we creating a generation so in control that the slightest change will cause fear?  We used to have to wait for a boy or girl to write back or tell the friend if they liked us back; rejection built character.  Now we swipe to the left and the fear of rejection is gone.  Lack of fear or other human emotions causes us to gain more control.  The more control we think we have, the less we actually do.  Anxieties and fears have to be dealt with.  In order to be dealt with, they have to be created.

 

To Prenuptial or Not to Prenuptial

To prenup or not to prenup?  That is the question.  In the local coffee shop, I watch today as an older man discusses this topic with a group of friends.  His sober face suggests that this topic is one of emotional passion.  The man states that he would not sign a prenup and he “would rather have her take him for a ride.”  From what I gather, he believes that if you really love someone, you should not have to sign an agreement of how things will be divided up if you separate.  I have heard this reaction from many people; the prenuptial gives us a way out of the marriage.  Doors also give us a way out, but we don’t go building houses without them.

So is he right or wrong?  Now, I am not in the business of marriage legalities, in fact, as a professor of mine once put it, I am an MFT – Marriage Friendly Therapist.  I work together with couples to help them happily stay together.  However, that means a lot of surrendering to our faults and giving in to someone else’s needs, i.e. our partner.  Most of the time when couples are ready to divorce there has been years of unheard words, unmet expectations, and lack of overall happiness. (Check out this article: When Women Divorce Long Before The Divorce by Quentin Hafner.)

In my life I have had three different views on prenuptials:

The first (early 20’s): That if you truly love someone, you don’t need to sign an “out”contract.

The second (late 20’s): After getting out of a bad business deal with a co-owned restaurant; not having any concrete contracts signed, I felt that you always need a contract no matter what.  I got along with my business partner so I always thought a split would be amicable.  It is true that in the mist of a fight the claws come out.  Marriage is the contract and the prenup is there to protect that asset.

The last (early 30’s):  Premarital therapy.  By-yearly check-ups with the therapist.  I would sign a reverse prenuptial (see below).  In the long run I want a partner that is as happy and silly as I am; we will be adults when it comes to decisions, for better or worse.

Obviously, to make a prenup or not to make one, is up to the discretion of the couple.  Consider this when thinking about the issues:

1. There is a lot of legal advice on the internet about signing prenuptials.  What about other experts on relationships and how they discuss navigating this part of a marriage?

2. Discussion of a prenup needs to be gently entered into.  It needs to be a conversation of understanding and compassion.   Most prenuptials are entered into for protection of the property or assets that one comes into the marriage with.  If you are marrying someone who believes they are owed something you had prior to meeting them, I think a prenuptial is the last of your worries.

3.  If you are not willing to share certain things or benefits you accumulated while in the marriage, whatever that looks like,  you should not get married.  You are a selfish person. Truly selfish people will be unhappy in a marriage.  When you force a kid to share and he doesn’t want to, he will likely throw a tantrum after handing over the toy.  Marry the man or woman who finds joy in sharing with others.  It will make a world of difference in all aspects of the marriage.

4. Over the course of the years of marriage you both make equal sacrifices and you should decide what that is going to look like prior to getting married.  You may be the sole source of retirement and insurance, but your partner might bring in more money each year.  Or your partner might stay at home to with three kids until school age and take care of house work.  At the end of the day it isn’t all about money and assets.  We have to take into consideration the acts of service and the sacrifices.

5. If your prenup has to include things like the religion that your children will be raised, well then, stop right there.  You aren’t putting exacts in the prenup because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter anyways.  If your partner becomes Buddhist in ten years and wants to share some of that wisdom with the children, you don’t pull out the prenup and say – Right here, look this is what we agreed.   People change and you should marry someone who is open to change and that is willing to meet you where you are and go places you feel a need to explore.  You should marry someone who you have similar values with, but nothing in life guarantees that down that road that is going to look the same.

After Much Research on The Topic: Try These

The Reverse Prenuptial

Going back to the analogy of the door. It gives us a way out, but it also keeps us in.  It is a fire escape and a barrier to keep unwanted guests out.  It serves two purposes.  What if our prenuptials started doing the same?  Say that one partner comes into the marriage with a boat, the other does not.  The prenuptial reads that if divorced in the course of the first 15 years, the boat will be sold and the sale split.  However, after 15 years, the asset is given to the rightful owner in full.

Therapy

Yes, therapy.  You are going to be making an appointment with a lawyer to get out of the marriage.  The lawyer doesn’t have an understanding of what makes marriages and relationships work.  He has a law degree and an objective for divorce.  Seek a therapist out to discuss why you are thinking about divorce; gain help from someone who has experience in the area of relationships, not law.  Trust people who work within their scope.  Your lawyer has little interest in your overall well-being.

Overall the conversation of the prenuptial should be one of grace and compassion.  Be comfortable and open to the opinion of your partner.